Things I could've said but then there is this thing called space that kept me from doing so.
a
Baby
have you eaten?
ano food mo?
anong ginagawa mo?
I went out today. Few meters away pagkalabas ko ng gate bigla ko naalala na wala ako dalang payong. I thought of going back but I hesitated so instead I just went my way. I was planning to go to the church. take note, i curled my hair and I liked the way it looked. halfway to my destination, it started drizzling but then I was still positive.ambon lang yan. I was praying though na sana hindi na lumakas yung ulan. to my dismay, the rain poured sooooo hard so I had no choice but to go straight to SM. Tinawagan ko si mama kasi maybdala siyang payong. nagpasundo ako sa bbaan ng jeep sa sm. Nakisilong ako sa big umbrella stand ng nagtitinda ng fishball. may katabi akong guy dun dumating na yung kasama niang may payong pero ayaw nia pa pumunta humiram pa sia ng panyo pamunas. that guy was taking so much space. pareho lng kming nkikisilong pero ung tubig tumutulo na sa may harap ko like 0.5 cm away from my face pero thank God dumating na si mama. maliit lang yung payong. super lakas parin ng ulan. basa ung likod namin. haha. worse is basa ung feet ko kasi nakasandals lang ako and you know namna na I hate getting my feet wet. All throughout pero I was laughing. si mama bumili ng bagobg shirt mas nabasa kasi likod nia sakin. As for my curls, haha, nawala naging straight agad yung buhok ko. That time naisip ko yung preaching na happiness despite some difficulties. :)
ang haba ng pagkadescribe ko.pero yun. hahaha. Drenched.
usually at this point the conversation would go depending on your reply. Until I come up with something new to say like ...
pinalitan ko n ngay ng pink n gel guard ung sa note. parang nagsawa kasi ako sa black. pero mas gusto ko parin ung sleek design nung black. gusto ko lng palitan. haha
and then I would also tell you ....
Nagtext uli ung *. wait forward ko sayo ung text. ang weird lang kasi. para akong nadadamay ng wala nmn akong kasalanan. parang there is something fishy going on. nakakaewan lang.
and then I usually voice out my qualms such as....
yung kasama namin. you know Im trying my best na hindi mairita. trying not to have bad tjoughts and silent swear words in my head pero kasi sa case nia ngai sometimes eh I just can't help it. Siguro lang I still have to reach a higher point of understanding pero I just hate the way how she thinks and acts like she is all knowing when in fact you will just roll your eyes at the stupidities and mistakes. Im sorry God. haaay. You know. she has the guts to call other people as illiterate when she does not even know what the shape oblong looks like Alam mo yun. She was asked to get the big oblong plate from the dish container and she took like 20 seconds to look. First she got the round one. When she was told it was wrong she got a round bowl and when she was told wrong again she finally said 'ano ba ate yung oblong di ko alam kasi'......*insert all the reactions here*
haha. and then in my head I picture you replying 'ano ba yan bobetz' with a Z. hah
just few of the things I couldve told you if I was feeling ok with myself already.
countless times during the day I thought of you.
It couldve been easier to just talk to you but then I still had this thing I feel I had to do myself.
I felt like part of why its so hard for me to move forward is because we were happy each time we saw each other and apart from the other things in my life, its the only thing I look forward to.
you know with this sort of empty days Im having, its really making me crazy having nothingproductive to look forward to aside from leisure, going out and the like.
Friday, June 14
Saturday, May 4
who is who? ...yet again
It has been a really long time. Fact is I have been away from this blog because for quite a long time (aforementioned) from the last post up until a few hours ago, I haven't felt the need or want to write. About anything? Well yes, about anything.
Actually, this was not how I originally wrote an introduction. For the first time, Im using my phone to blog. I got a message, opened it and when I went back, voila! I was staring at a blank space where my typed out thoughts used to be. haha.
So for starters, I was typing about why I write. I initially quoted it as a fact thatss not to be proud of but being that it is what it is, I cant pretty much deny or let it slip to my mind locker again. Ok. so first, I write out of the motivation I get after reading a book and second, I write due to the need to let out a strong emotion that I can't directly talk about with somebody.
In line with what I was blabbing earlier, part of the reason why I was absent here for so long is that, when I needed to, I had someone to talk to and someone who listens. Now, its like Im writing because the person who used to listen, can't. He can't listen and the only way he would know about this sort is with this post. If by chance and/or choice, he stumbles upon this. haha :) (It only felt right to end this paragraph with a "haha")
What I really wanted to talk about is short. I just wanted to say that, for ages, I felt again what I felt before. It dawned on me naturally that I was a little amazed, bemused even, as I realized it. I also wasn't expecting to define the feeling with a saying that I made years and years and years ago, in reference to a dfferent person.
"Who is who in one's heart at every moment of happiness spent apart?"
After typing that saying out, I completely lost all my words. I guess it was the only thing I wanted to get out. The moment I did, I just felt that I knew I had more to say, but I forgot them already. I suddenly became more aware of my heavy head and wary eyes. Sort of like adrenaline. haha.
This goes without denying what else do I feel right now. I feel hurt, sad, let down and insecure. Such feelings just make me want to leave. Hello defense mechanisms. Its been a long time too since you made me do things this way. haha. Now I realize that I still long for a kind of affection that I wanted before. It never really left me. I guess its the way I often get frustrated with it that I keep wanting it still.
Chase me unconditionally? each and everytime? whatever situation?
I won't bother to say please. Its often very good and touching when a person does something not because you asked him to but because he did it with his own will even without saying.
It would really be great to exclaim proudly "yeah, the best part was he did what I wanted even without telling"
its just pure.
So often, I expect this way, so often, I get disappointed. Most of the times, people dont think the same way. So often, a same understanding isn't present. But then out of those times, a glorious moment you weren't expecting comes and it brings you so much joy that without any words or actions, he as if read your mind, knew your heart best and came with the exact thing or method you were just thinking of.
well. dreamy. Its time to sleep now. I think I might have to keep mum and distance a little. Its one f those kinds of pain that really hurt deep down , you Dont do what you usualky do and the pain is sustaining enough for you to just stay away in silence.
Actually, this was not how I originally wrote an introduction. For the first time, Im using my phone to blog. I got a message, opened it and when I went back, voila! I was staring at a blank space where my typed out thoughts used to be. haha.
So for starters, I was typing about why I write. I initially quoted it as a fact thatss not to be proud of but being that it is what it is, I cant pretty much deny or let it slip to my mind locker again. Ok. so first, I write out of the motivation I get after reading a book and second, I write due to the need to let out a strong emotion that I can't directly talk about with somebody.
In line with what I was blabbing earlier, part of the reason why I was absent here for so long is that, when I needed to, I had someone to talk to and someone who listens. Now, its like Im writing because the person who used to listen, can't. He can't listen and the only way he would know about this sort is with this post. If by chance and/or choice, he stumbles upon this. haha :) (It only felt right to end this paragraph with a "haha")
What I really wanted to talk about is short. I just wanted to say that, for ages, I felt again what I felt before. It dawned on me naturally that I was a little amazed, bemused even, as I realized it. I also wasn't expecting to define the feeling with a saying that I made years and years and years ago, in reference to a dfferent person.
"Who is who in one's heart at every moment of happiness spent apart?"
After typing that saying out, I completely lost all my words. I guess it was the only thing I wanted to get out. The moment I did, I just felt that I knew I had more to say, but I forgot them already. I suddenly became more aware of my heavy head and wary eyes. Sort of like adrenaline. haha.
This goes without denying what else do I feel right now. I feel hurt, sad, let down and insecure. Such feelings just make me want to leave. Hello defense mechanisms. Its been a long time too since you made me do things this way. haha. Now I realize that I still long for a kind of affection that I wanted before. It never really left me. I guess its the way I often get frustrated with it that I keep wanting it still.
Chase me unconditionally? each and everytime? whatever situation?
I won't bother to say please. Its often very good and touching when a person does something not because you asked him to but because he did it with his own will even without saying.
It would really be great to exclaim proudly "yeah, the best part was he did what I wanted even without telling"
its just pure.
So often, I expect this way, so often, I get disappointed. Most of the times, people dont think the same way. So often, a same understanding isn't present. But then out of those times, a glorious moment you weren't expecting comes and it brings you so much joy that without any words or actions, he as if read your mind, knew your heart best and came with the exact thing or method you were just thinking of.
well. dreamy. Its time to sleep now. I think I might have to keep mum and distance a little. Its one f those kinds of pain that really hurt deep down , you Dont do what you usualky do and the pain is sustaining enough for you to just stay away in silence.
Thursday, November 22
one day
One day is not enough and yet being that it is not enough, you begin to realize that it means a lot.
For people who only have a day off their full-time job, chaos reigns over the precious mind, making it go crazy while juggling and fitting other errands with the opportunity to rest, relax and spend time with the people you love.
other things that could not be done due to time constraints on any other work day usually fill up that one day off you should supposedly allot for rest-- one day where you supposedly should be stress-free.
Lack of rest ultimately leads you to drag yourself around making deadlines, completing pending tasks and while it does not immediately take its toll, it consumes you bit by difficult bit.
I am afraid of dragging myself around tasks again. I want to enjoy the work that I do. I don't want to continue working while frowning at the idea that tomorrow is another work day. I mean if people had enough rest, their mindset about tomorrow's job should at least be a little more positive. Why should people kill themselves in order to survive anyway.
For what ultimate reason do we work and find money anyway?
Living life is expensive and most people usually work more than half of their lives to enjoy a very short period of time.
i guess its just me experiencing what real life has to offer.
That for ordinary people like us, working and finding better opportunities are among those that make our world go round.
#hopingforabettermindset
#Godpleaseguideandhelpus
#weshouldmakemostofthelifewehavewiththepeopleandthingswelovethemost.
For people who only have a day off their full-time job, chaos reigns over the precious mind, making it go crazy while juggling and fitting other errands with the opportunity to rest, relax and spend time with the people you love.
other things that could not be done due to time constraints on any other work day usually fill up that one day off you should supposedly allot for rest-- one day where you supposedly should be stress-free.
Lack of rest ultimately leads you to drag yourself around making deadlines, completing pending tasks and while it does not immediately take its toll, it consumes you bit by difficult bit.
I am afraid of dragging myself around tasks again. I want to enjoy the work that I do. I don't want to continue working while frowning at the idea that tomorrow is another work day. I mean if people had enough rest, their mindset about tomorrow's job should at least be a little more positive. Why should people kill themselves in order to survive anyway.
For what ultimate reason do we work and find money anyway?
Living life is expensive and most people usually work more than half of their lives to enjoy a very short period of time.
i guess its just me experiencing what real life has to offer.
That for ordinary people like us, working and finding better opportunities are among those that make our world go round.
#hopingforabettermindset
#Godpleaseguideandhelpus
#weshouldmakemostofthelifewehavewiththepeopleandthingswelovethemost.
Saturday, June 30
worrisome
Knowing that my parents or loved ones aren't that physically well takes a lot of my energy.
Safe to say, worry consumes the most of me.
Any single complain or any symptom expressed races to my brain, shakes my comfort and initiates worry, paranoia and fear.
I hope that whatever symptoms they are feeling now does not mean any severe vascular or coronary diseases as well as anything beyond heart wrenching like cancer or the like. Lord please bless us.
I seriously hope and pray that their health will continue to get better and I hope they get a better perspective when it comes to taking care of their health and seeing medical professionals if needed.
no heart attack, stroke, pvd, blood clots or anything worse please.
I hope their health becomes better and their illnesses get healed and of course, do not get worse. Let them prioritize their health and not be cynical about it.
I hope that poverty won't continue to be a barrier to effective healthcare and that medications, diagnostics, services and health benefits would not be too expensive. No man would be fit to work with an ailing body. I hope that the government seriously understands that. Subsidies and a higher budget should help create a healthier nation.
If you read this post, join me in prayer for the better health of people, for the better health of our loved ones and of course, our parents.
*don't let anything bad happen to them please.
Safe to say, worry consumes the most of me.
Any single complain or any symptom expressed races to my brain, shakes my comfort and initiates worry, paranoia and fear.
I hope that whatever symptoms they are feeling now does not mean any severe vascular or coronary diseases as well as anything beyond heart wrenching like cancer or the like. Lord please bless us.
I seriously hope and pray that their health will continue to get better and I hope they get a better perspective when it comes to taking care of their health and seeing medical professionals if needed.
no heart attack, stroke, pvd, blood clots or anything worse please.
I hope their health becomes better and their illnesses get healed and of course, do not get worse. Let them prioritize their health and not be cynical about it.
I hope that poverty won't continue to be a barrier to effective healthcare and that medications, diagnostics, services and health benefits would not be too expensive. No man would be fit to work with an ailing body. I hope that the government seriously understands that. Subsidies and a higher budget should help create a healthier nation.
If you read this post, join me in prayer for the better health of people, for the better health of our loved ones and of course, our parents.
*don't let anything bad happen to them please.
Thursday, June 28
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