who is who? ...yet again

It has been a really long time. Fact is I have been away from this blog because for quite a long time (aforementioned) from the last post up until a few hours ago, I haven't felt the need or want to write. About anything? Well yes, about anything.

Actually, this was not how I originally wrote an introduction. For the first time, Im using my phone to blog. I got a message, opened it and when I went back, voila! I was staring at a blank space where my typed out thoughts used to be. haha.

So for starters, I was typing about why I write. I initially quoted it as a fact thatss not to be proud of but being that it is what it is, I cant pretty much deny or let it slip to my mind locker again. Ok. so first, I write out of the motivation I get after reading a book and second, I write due to the need to let out a strong emotion that I can't directly talk about with somebody.

In line with what I was blabbing earlier, part of the reason why I was absent here for so long is that, when I needed to, I had someone to talk to and someone who listens. Now, its like Im writing because the person who used to listen, can't. He can't listen and the only way he would know about this sort is with this post. If by chance and/or choice, he stumbles upon this. haha :) (It only felt right to end this paragraph with a "haha")

What I really wanted to talk about is short. I just wanted to say that, for ages, I felt again what I felt before. It dawned on me naturally that I was a little amazed, bemused even, as I realized it. I also wasn't expecting to define the feeling with a saying that I made years and years and years ago, in reference to a dfferent person.


"Who is who in one's heart at every moment of happiness spent apart?"

After typing that saying out, I completely lost all my words. I guess it was the only thing I wanted to get out. The moment I did, I just felt that I knew I had more to say, but I forgot them already. I suddenly became more aware of my heavy head and wary eyes.  Sort  of like adrenaline. haha.

This goes without denying what else do I feel right now. I feel hurt, sad, let down and insecure. Such feelings just make me want to leave. Hello defense mechanisms. Its been a long time too since you made me do things this way. haha. Now I realize that I still long for a kind of affection that I wanted before. It never really left me.  I guess its the way I often get frustrated with it that I keep wanting it still.

Chase me unconditionally? each and everytime? whatever situation?

I won't bother to say please. Its often very good and touching when a person does something not because you asked him to but because he did it with his own will even without saying.

It would really be great to exclaim proudly "yeah, the best part was he did what I wanted even without telling"

its just pure.

So often, I expect this way, so often, I get disappointed. Most of the times, people dont think  the same way. So often, a same  understanding isn't present.  But then out of those times, a glorious moment you weren't expecting comes and it brings you so much joy that without any words or actions, he as if read your mind, knew your heart best and came with the exact thing or method you were just thinking of.

well. dreamy. Its time to sleep now. I think I might have to keep mum and distance a little. Its one f those kinds of pain that really hurt deep down , you Dont do what you usualky do and the pain is sustaining enough for you to just stay away in silence.