Puppets

After finishing a class tonight, the better thing to do was go out of my room and eat dinner, after all, its past dinner time already and I still did not have mine.
Unfortunately, somewhere in my mind, there was this burning need to write this before I eat, for no clear reason at all.. maybe for a "just because" one.

Today, I woke up really early with an aching head. I tried to sleep again but I think I ended up winning against insomnia at 12:00 pm already. I woke up at 4 pm, went out of bed to the sound of my brother threatening my stationery collection. took a bath and ate a snack.

a pretty rough and bum day for Ms. Paola.

I cried today. I felt like I found what I want to do. Like an answered prayer, my heart soared a bit. I hope I get the energy to pursue that though and not get lazy again from too much thinking. (too much thinking involves the great fear and physical as well as financial constraints). aja paye!

"do not take too long to think or else your courage will wilt" -- a useful thought from Dream High Season 1 :)

and then here is the nagging thought about the venture that I am quite queasy at the same time excited to start. I feel like I am on my own here. Something tells me that I should pursue it for my own good, be it successful or not in the end.

"I thank all the people who said No for if it wasn't because of them, I couldn't have done it myself" --- Albert Einstein. (really a tumbling dose of inspiration for a person who is challenged on her/his own)

I am a scaredy cat.. I need a huge ounce of courage. If it were a medication, Id be sure to get shots of it no matter what the cost. :)

and then this message came

 "Hay. Im sori. Naiinis aq sa sarli mnsan. Andun kc ung thot na wen wer together wer ok. Kya nwawala sa icp q ung prblem. Kaya pa2ng pa2ng. Hay. nakakapanghnayang tau. Pero prang ang hrap n ibalik. Cgro nga. And u are meant 2 b wd sum1 else dn. Gudnyt"

---ok so I published it. another heart wrenching moment here. You know how a girl wants a man who can fight for her?, I guess by this message, this person isn't it. would you think so? These are the times when you ask yourself "what is so great about love anyway?"

You think about a lot of things including "maybe I am not worth it" even though you want to be worth the fighting. Or you think of "maybe we are not worth it", "maybe what we have is not worth saving". It is a matter of perspective isn't it?

When you reach a point where a man who said he loves you now says "you are meant to be with someone else", you can only guess that maybe, just maybe, something has already died or wilted deep inside. The addicting chase where all that mattered was you see her or be with her comes down to the point where setting her aside seemed a little bit comfortable already. Is that what you call going down the drain?--- I ask myself again, "what is so great about love anyway?"

I wanted to write about all the blame, all that I feel, all of my qualms and all of everything that I want to get across but maybe I have said them enough already. Saying them in a public blog post would not give justice but would only add insult to the injury.

I only have one point, I believe that fighting for a woman should be an endless process. When it is endless, maybe you can say, You've found a man worth fighting for also. I know everybody wants to feel that they are worth fighting for but I also know that life won't always give us that sweet satisfaction. So often than not, people choose to give up and more often than not, giving up (in some cases) is the best decision. Again, it is all a matter of perspective.

Let us just give it to Life. We are all players anyway--in life and love. We don't know all the rules and most importantly, we start without the goal of winning for it is in the hardest moments only that we realize the game we got ourselves into.

Puppets--puppets with an endless desire to be free, that is what we are. Life has the strings--no matter what we do, it still catches up.