the biggest thing

So this night was such a heavy one. my parents fought.

I know my mom can say some nasty words sometimes and they were both stressed about it.

My dad was not feeling well. his arms were feeling a little numb so he asked me to get his blood pressure. it was skyrocketing. and the fuss started about that.

there are a lot about them that floats in my mind.

Im writing this just to get it out. I have no one to talk to about it this time and I know of no one who could understand. hai.

money.

I feel so bad for my family right now.
down in the dumps.
and i hate myself.

there is nothing bigger to me than my family and my parents and God of of course. I constantly pray to God to make them safe and alright.

When they fight and say nasty things about each other or when they are physically challenged by health (i will break down), when I feel the gap and the aura around them that they will never be that super duper ok with each other already I am totally lost down to my last sense.

it hurts a lot.
I don't want to lose any of them.
I hope they are ok and their health will be ok.
I am so frustrated with myself that I can't even do something for them
but I love them so much.
my life is nothing, meaningless, frail and futile without any of them.

and i am so hurt right now.
I don't understand what I feel but I hope nothing more than them to be ok. each and together.
I hope our family will be better and nothing bad happens to us and to them.

Lord please hear me out.

maybe I don't realize that I'm posting this publicly.
but they are what matters the most to me.

and in saying that, I hope for their welfare and happiness above all.
I love them so so much.

please take these negative thoughts off my mind. hai.