fading

sometimes, you can't help but notice how things and feelings fade gradually. Usually, it is easier to notice that on others.

so easy because you have the past to look back on and compare to.

faded

some people answer that when you ask them "kamusta na kayo?"

slowly going down the drain.

:)

so happy when i saw this. they should have been together,, really :)

made for each other ;)

mistakes.

sometimes, i needed these kind of pictures to remind me of what I really want and reroute my mind from those impulses brought about by temporary and out of the moment craziness. I need these kind of stuff to drive away those disgusting and eerie images out of my head. sheeesh.

At random :)

Nothing binding in mind, just scattered thoughts rambling like the one they use in Lotto..each excited to get out.

a. STEVE JOBS. I really did not know who he is but I made him and his quote my desktop background before. I did not google his name. I was so unknowing that he was the genius behind many of Apple's success until news about him stepping down from the CEO post gathered too much attention lately. haha. I think he really is a great man :)

b. SPENCER. Its eerie how I am writing this now as my mom and little brother are nursing him since he was so wet from the rain. For how many months now, spencer witnessed the comfort of being indoors again. Wonder what his dog brain might be thinking right now.haha.

c.late night blogging/wee hour blogging--really, I can't blog well if it is not at night.

d. WALKING OUT. I have been walked out on before and I walked out on people too. Its all part of an unending chase, of what wins between pride and concern, of hatred and love, of irritation and conscience and of genuine care and self preservation.

e.THE BETTER MAN. I was watching Cake Boss while eating my 'too late' dinner. Buddy, knowing his temper and his behavior decided to be the better man even when this bridezilla dropped an "are you serious, this is so ugly" comment over his cake and had a tantrum and threw colored fondant all over the pure white bridal cake.

f. THE BETTER MAN 2. I have been trying to be like this but something inside makes it so hard.

g. CS. My dad said "ang mga pinanganak ng CS maiksi ang pasensya compared dun sa normal delivery." I was getting his logic regarding the birth process where the train of thought came from the easier and harder way out. haha. then he began "tignan mo kayo ni paul, madali kayo mainis, di kayo makapaghintay..hahaha." I laughed and in my mind came the words "onga noh" :)

h.SIMPLE HAPPINESS. getting blog comments, well as most of you know is not so common for me and this blog. I just can't believe my eyes when I checked my mail and saw this mail saying one has commented on a post I made. haha. call my crazy and awfully "mababaw" but still, it made me foolishly happy :)

i. the Amaritto Cake. I am not even sure of the name but this cake had been iconic this day. It witnessed the transition from laughter and smiles to upset emotions and unbearable silences. 7pm last night, I received this cake at home, I was hesitant to take it but well, me taking it meant that I appreciated the effort that came with it  at that moment. I still kept my stone wall held up. I fell asleep and woke up to eat..found it on the fridge, took a picture and feelings of guilt came trickling in. I was all about letting my guard down until I took the time to charge my sun phone and read this particular message that made me feel bad again. So yeah, I was on the process of letting my guard down when this one message appeared and held my guard back up.

k. At one point during the day, I was hard up in conditioning myself not to expect. I was doing it for the sake of avoiding that heavy feeling of disappointment. Coming out from that long aisle, I expected to see a familiar face, waiting for me just because it took only a fraction of time to realize that 'she might smile because of this'. All the while I was walking and walking, I was thinking of a person who would be looking for me. I did not expect to be found because that person was not a master of that trade. While some had skill in that area, he has none. I knew I had to go home with the thought that people are people and you can't expect one to react the same way another did when placed in the same situation.

l. DREAM BIG. why? because if that big dream shatters then at least the broken pieces would still be big. I got this from Hearstrings (KDRAMA). though lines like this may go unnoticed by most, to me, it made all the sense in the world.

m. DREAM HIGH. I fell inlove with this drama and I got absorbed too much, it still penetrates my dreams. How I was inspired by Mi's courage and strength, by Jin's self sacrificial actions and coolness, by sam's naive and childlike attitude that won the hearts of many (i just do not know why), by Yoon's actions towards upholding herself despite her many insecurities, by Teacher Kang's wisdom and strong resolve despite his weak disposition, by Teacher Shi's commitment and good heart all disguised by a cunning impression, by Teacher Yang's difficult to hide passion despite his own mental conditionings, by Jason's arrogance and gentlemanliness and by sook's added shine to it all :)

n. If a wall is infront of you, take it down and by then, it becomes a bridge. --Sam Dong ;)

o. The biggest impact of Secret Garden to me is how Joo Won, an obnoxious, conceited young tycoon could actually choose to quietly trade his life for this ordinary stuntwoman who drove him away countless times already.

p. MP. kilig lang tlaga ako dito.haha ;)

q. I got irked at how oily my face looked in that picture. Worse, the image was so define, you could see the oil particles shining from my face. Gawd, was it their moment to shine?? of all places, why my face? and to make it worse, I know all of facebook saw it already even before I did. oh and add a smudged black liner for an extra. haha. the point of asking it to be removed at this time is nil. boinks.

r. "di na ako magpaparamdam". ok. need I say more??

s. Do you actually think I am that stone hearted? If I was then think about how I manage to write my emotions out even if doing that was so uncool?

t. Wo te tsong wen ming tze chiaw yuee ying. Wo te ing wen ming tze chiaw Paola. Sheng re she shuh ee yueh, chio re, ee chio pa chio nien. chin nien er shuh ee swei. Wo tsu chai Fei li pin te Pi Yaw she. Wo te Ti zhe she Trancoville. Wo xi huan te ien se she fen hong se. Pu xi huan she chang se. Wo tswei xi huan Cha chi han mien pao :) I wish I could write this in chinese.haha ;)

u. The rain is falling down hard. It is already 4 in the morning. I am still with my laptop and I am not sleepy. I have too much gas inside my system now and I am at the brink of deciding whether I should sleep or watch something. hai. crazy life.

v. I love this "the suite collection" blanket by Ultimalinen. I really sleep better when I use this. such a comfort to the skin. hehe. recommended :)

w. I randomly opened Charles Swindoll's book and it led me to a passage that I read before with an ending statement that goes "The God of the Bible includes the lives of people who don't get well, who don't quickly get over their problems, who don't easily overcome accidents or illnesses. God's Word pictures its heroes, warts and all. They hurt. They fall. They fail, and on occasion, by His grace, they succeed. How well do you accept the unfolding plan of God for your life?" ----pretty scary right? but what shakes you? for me, it shakes the comfort I have and it stirs my negative and paranoid thinking leading to the shambles in my momentum at this present moment. haaaaay.

x.present desktop wallpaper :)

y. Pics from weheartit ;)

really :)

z. Nam's tears resonated. It felt so real and it reached out beyond the boundaries of "what we only see in movies"

love

I have never immersed myself in this feeling. If it was an island, I could have visited it but not stayed long to fully understand and know it's most precious essence. I am a nomad--hopping around, bouncing around with no guts to stay long at one place. Having not known that island much does not make me unintelligible about it though. I am not stone hearted, cold and indifferent. Maybe I have seen the other part of the island, the one that others have not been too. I must have come from another way.

Despite being cynical about love, in my heart, I still believe in it's beauty. I do not understand that feeling. All of the years that passed since I have been introduced to romantic love was full of complications and negativity (or maybe I was not strong enough). The good feelings were merely fleeting, like it has gone away before I could even grasp it. I have all this thoughts about love. That if you love someone, this is how you should act, what you should do. I know most of them are true but maybe some of them exist only in my fantasies or in my ideal world. Tangible proof is important for me and like some people I know, words are not enough.

Love saves, love heals, love empowers, love moves mountains. I KNOW. More than that, I also know that love hurts, love kills, love separates, love fades, love is confusing, love is overrated, love is most of the times unreal. I am rather negative. There are two sides of love and I am more inclined in the negative one. Maybe it has something to do with the way I think or maybe, I have yet to experience being happy in love for me to  think otherwise. When I see people that look happy and in love, it is a feeling that I can't seem to adequately comprehend. I for one have not yet been there, I think.

Still, I am hopeful. I feel pathetic when I think of this. I don't want to wallow up in my disappointments. I don't feel any strong frustration anyway. Its not like I am desperate or totally desolate. Maybe it's just about the right balance of cynicism, belief and hope. I don't want to preoccupy myself in waiting anymore. haha. Waiting of all sorts, not just on the most obvious one.

When I was in first year highschool, my bestfriend and I had a misunderstanding. At that time, she was the type of person who ignores you and sets you aside when she is upset. Well, we became better with the lyrics of the song "I'd rather". I printed out the song lyrics and I brought it to school. We became ok. Up to now, that song has managed to sneak its way to my mind and no matter how I find it overrated at times, I cannot deny the fact that the song brought me more wisdom and standard. Reading between the lines, I found a simple definition of love there.

I thought sometime alone
was what we really needed
you said this time would hurt more than it helps
but I couldn't see that

--staying together hurts as much as being apart, but then,--

I'm nothing without you
I know better now
and I've had a change of heart

--Time would usually help you realize what love is and when you do, maybe you'll tell yourself,--

I'd rather have bad times with you, than good times with someone else
I'd rather be beside you in a storm, than safe and warm by myself
I'd rather have hard times together, than to have it easy apart

--I find it really sensible how the truest form of love would choose hardships with the person rather than not having and not being with the person at all--

With the frail and imperfect make-up of people, naturally, words are too easy to say. Maybe it takes more than a man to act out the many words that envelope our life.. to bring life to it outside the confines of thought and stereotypical cowardliness. 

Until then, I will visit the love island again and hope to be happy. I know that everyone, despite being scarred and broken too many times, have not yet totally, as in absolutely, given up.

images from www.weheartit.com :)