why?

This post has no particular emphasis on grammar and spelling and all the proper writing stuff. this is just an outpour of emotions from a person who was told to express her feelings at 3:00 AM.

sabi nila kahit aware na ung utak mo, your heart still has troubles accepting what your mind already knows.

bakit nga ba, I'm greatly aware of it, had the thing slapped to my very face by the very person but still, at times, parang ang hirap parin mag sink in.

I don't understand the way I feel sometimes. PUSH and PULL like how I knew it will be, from the very start.

Sometimes I feel at peace. Sometimes, the dormant aches in my heart are awakened and I feel them again so raw, deep and really searing.

Sabi ko sa sarili ko, alam ko ako nalang nakakaramdam ng ganito. I look around at people, they look happy while I have this very deep painful feeling inside my heart. Parang ako lang yung nasaktan.

yes. parang ako nga lang talaga ung nasaktan. It sucks to feel that way. To feel worthless after all the memories. After all that has happened.

Okay naman na ako eh. I don't know why the pain keeps coming back. Maybe because, the redemption or justice or explanations my heart has been seeking isn't given yet.

Minsan I feel like, okay. kaya ko na maging mabait. deal with it like nothing bad happened and that I got past the pain and hurt na. Like I could go on praying for your wellbeing and happiness and safety without feeling guilt and without feeling like I'm cheating myself or putting myself down. Pero when I see a single picture, a single object, a single word that symbolizes the pain you caused me, all the hate keeps rushing through my heart like a visitor that didn't even need permission. I feel awashed with pain and hurt and overwhelming rage na I just want to punch that screen facing me. just to release my anger.

This is raw eh. I've gotten past the pain of not being with you but the pain which comes from what you did to me and you being with that person is a totally different subject. Moreso the pain which comes from how well you managed to show and make it seem like our years together (or what you may wish to call it) was nothing at all. what with the shirt incident, the span of time it took you to transfer the same kind (or greater kind of) affection you used to give to me to someone else. Makes it really valid that the two of you had something going on while I was still hanging around your life. That even for you, its hard (and maybe you don't want to) to even admit that you liked her all along, while there was still something between us. and that you just merely waited for me to be the one to end whatever we could call as US. You see, that morning at Mcdo, when I was talking to you, when I was telling you of the pain I feel (the worst kind of pain you ever let me feel), you were there, super calm, giving little explanation and easy peasy No's and all. I know you knew where that talk was heading and when I told you that things between us couldn't be anymore, its as if your face momentarily shone and you quickly changed it to adapt and try to be sensitive to the situation. where maybe deep inside, you felt the instantaneous joy for freedom your heart has been seeking. for ultimate, guilt-less, no worries kind of freedom your heart has been seeking to finally bare your attention and feelings to another person you have been secretly liking.

You see, after all we have been through, from the very start to the uphill and downhill journey or our so called relationship up to its demise, at that moment when I told you we're through (like we had something to finish), it felt as though, it all came easy to you, to accept in a matter of 3-5 days that we are gone. I am gone from your life, FOREVER.  Like for you, losing me was a great relief, a great burden lifted off your shoulders and you couldn't wait to spend more time to the other person your emotions has been screaming for.

In short, what hurts like hell is that AFTER ALL, for that kulang kulang na 4-5 years (not quite sure) of memories, with me, our friends, my family, I was just nothing to you.

Kasi ba meron na agad iba, kaya ganoon nalang kadali mawalan ng value sayo ang taong ilang taon mo rin kausap at halos kasama lagi?

the foolish part of it was, I never saw this coming from you. I told you over and over again. I knew you as a friend. highschool palang kilala na kita. Even for a person with severe trust issues like me, I never even had the smallest, slightest doubt on you. I thought, without any questions, hesitations and misgivings, I could trust you. I did not condition my mind to think that way. My heart and my mind just processed that naturally. I had my full trust on you. I had that full trust in that foundation on how I knew you as a friend and all. You knew my past story. You knew a lot, almost all of my weaknesses, flaws, insecurities and vulnerabilities. I was really an open book to you and all of it was because of that very strong trust. Tapos, sa huli, kung kelan, I feel like we are going on to something better, it all came falling apart. The very big trust I had in you, you broke it, without me realizing, starting at a very early point. Like you had this big rock to crumble and what you had in hand was only a small chisel and a hammer and you broke the rock in pieces, everyday, with the beginning going unnoticed until the chip was very big already, it is unnoticeable already from the bed of stones from which it originally was built with. ang sakit lang talga.

The very person I trusted with myself bare and raw was the same person who dropped me like I was some hot  mouthful of food that was immediately spit out.

I keep looking for answers WHY did you have to do that to me?
If its because the pain I've caused you, then where the hell is your integrity and what is that love you call to throw me stones bigger in vengeance for what I did not intentionally throw at you?

How could you do that to me? Up until now, I feel like I still don't know the truth. Like there are still things you have not told me. I know we are not anything anymore. Yes I am greatly aware of that. I JUST WANT FITTING ANSWERS. MY HEART HAS OVERFLOWING QUESTIONS. Questions that you may think "nasagot ko naman na" pero prang di kasi sapat o tumutugma. Like how they say the truth was like lock and key. to my  question, you have given keys of answers but none of them still perfectly fits.

If I have to look like a loser for still feeling this way after all the time we spent apart, I mean come on, you have been in another relationship after me, then go think that way. I dont consider myself a loser anyhow. I'm just being true to what I feel and besides, I want to make it a point that the pain, the heartbreak that I went through at our end, was a lot different from any pain you may have felt. assuming you felt any pain at all. I had the pain worse than you did. I was the receiving end of the heartbreak from the end of us. Sa huli, ako ung nasaktan. You may have understood that and considered that so I hope, the truth comes out now.

You may have forgotten all about me, gotten to that stage where you don't even feel affected anymore by what I say, do or what but hey, I just want answers.

I want my peace so I want to demand answers.

This just goes to show how much our past meant to me. or how much you meant to me. How much pain I'm feeling especially when its triggered.

At times, I really wish you well. feel no hate for you like everything is already healed but then I see images of you and her. see images of her and then im reminded of the pain all over again.

As for you, you may not understand that, and think of it in a petty way, how I could dislike someone or something so much. but think of it as a living reminder of how much pain I went through and still go through for what happened and how they happened. masakit talaga eh. sometimes I feel, I never knew, I could feel this much dislike for a person.

Imagine, sa huling araw na makikita at makakasama mo ako as someone that supposed to mean so much to you, inayawan mo pa at sadyang parang ordinaryong araw lang na kelangan mong magtrabaho. Somehow nagexpect rin naman ako ng malaking pagpapahalaga galing sayo.. na alam ko mahirap. halos di mo maiwan trabaho mo pero un na ung araw na huli na natin eh. tapos ganun nalang.oo, nalate ka na nga. pero diba diba, kung mahalaga talaga ung tao sayo, tapos mawawala na siya sa buhay mo sa araw na un, ganon ba ang gagawin mo? hindi mo ba pipiliin na pahabain ung oras na kasama at kausap sia kasi un na ang huli? hindi ganon ang nangyari eh kaya nadadagdagan na lang tlga ng proof na hindi na nga  ako ganon kaimportante sayo. nagtuloy tuloy na un. epitome, yung t-shirt talga. low blow na talga un at deserve mo narin tlga  na masampal dahil dun kahit sabihin mo pa na wala akong karapatan to do that. well kasi, its all disrespect, insult, deliberate offense and outright showing of worthless all rolled into one. Ilang linggo lang un na kakawala lang natin, ganon na kawalang importansya agad ako para sayo. prang it goes to show lang, matagal na akong walang halaga para sayo. Tapos hindi ko man lang naramdaman or nakita un? magaling ka lang ba talagang umarte at magturn ng tables o sadyang ganon lang tlaga kalaki ung tiwala ko sayo? tiwala na hindi na pla dapat. betrayal at its finest talga. sabihin mo mang wala naman outright na third party pero patong patong na kasinungalingan tska ung pinakamasakit eh, ako, nilaglag mo ako and you trash talked me, to other people, to your women friends pa for that matter. I mean what was I to you for you to be able to tell other people those stuff, in direct reference to me? Diba. un ung masakit dun eh. ung taong akala at alam mo na may malaking pagmamahal at pagpapahalaga sayo, magkalayo man kayo, ung taong ipagtatanggol ka sa harap ng ibang tao, ung taong hindi magsasabi ng kahit anong masamang bagay in describing you or anything related to you kahit sa mga kaibigan nia, that very person you trusted so much to uphold you, your image and your wellbeing in front of other people, the person you trusted with all your weaknesses and the bare you, good and bad without any hesitation, full of trust that he won't use your weaknesses against you. Those things that I thought you would do, uphold me and all, was the exact opposite of what you did. Nilaglag mo ako sa isang babae pa. nothing could ever destroy my trust in you greater than that. aside from all the lies and the things kept.

If I could not stress it enough, aun na ako eh, super open sayo. I have no guards on myself when with you,. You  know everything or almost everything about me and I was sure you would take of that. but you just dropped me like a hot potato.

feels so bad, and really a bad blow to the ego to have someone mean so much to you, hurt you and do actions that speak that you don't mean that much. that you were just a girl. relationships that friends love to talk and criticize especially when they dont know the person. Feels so bad, to be greatly loyal to someone, to have upholded someone even in the midst of looking bad or pathetic, hindi lang mabahiran ung image mo sa mga taong mas close ko or sa mga taong di ka kilala..tapos hindi pala ganon ang gingawa sayo. masaklap eh, sa side nia, ikaw pa ung nagmumukang katawa tawa sinasabihan ng "ano ba yan" and there you are, just enjoying the conversation and good rub to your male ego the emphasis, that yes, they are on your side.

ang hirap lang isipin, pag kaharap ako parang ang bait bait mo saakin. pala, pag magkalayo, kung pwedeng mapagusapan, maikwento ung mga pangit na bagay, maging conversation piece na pwedeng maging butt ng jokes, criticism o asaran.. go lang. kasi siguro asa isip mo, hindi ko naman malalaman. grabe. I feel super fooled and used at yes, fooled right under my nose.

It hurts even more to imagine what kind of jokes or things you and the people you talk with  come up when its your relation with me you speak of.

masakit talga. you, know very well how I get affected by what people think of me and while you might have had the intention to stir me off that, you should have understood that I am a person and that may have been one of the weaknesses I have. You don't have to desensitize it. If you really cared about me, you should have even protected me from what other people might say badly of me because of what you tell them. kahit pa friends mo sila. Pero eto naman ako eh dapat ganyan dapat ganito. eh pano naman kasi talga kung hindi ako ganon kahalaga sayo for you to protect me from the bad thoughts and half meant jokes of other people I dont even know.

hirap lang talga tanggapin. Di ko inexpect na ikaw ung gagawa ng gnyang bagay. About backstabbing, well that is what you did to me. You hurt me while I had my back turned with the hopes that I will never find out. How could you love me that way?


I want to really know. honestly. honestly. (dont think about looking bad, if ever you answer me no),
did you really love me? were those I love you's real? or were they just the thing to say for that infatuation or attraction you once felt for me?
please let me be at peace. tell me if you really honestly, from the bottom of your heart, love me?

I'd rather hear the truth even if it really really really really really hurts.


In the depths of my heart, I still care for you. sometimes I think about wanting to be with you again. if not for all the pain I feel from what you did. There is still love I feel for you even if I know we can never be again. The pain you caused is really big and it hurts so much,,I feel like being stabbed at the middle of my chest for a hundred times over and over again.

Sana, kung mabasa mo man ito, hindi mo ipagwalang bahala like those ruthless people who just laugh and get a swollen ego from knowing that someone cares for them that much when they dont even care for the person at all.

Im still looking for redemption from the pain you left with me.

I just hope, somewhere in your mind and heart, there is still this *i*** that I knew who was a good, kind hearted boy, someone who would never attempt to play and cheat with a girl's heart, as I knew you used to be.

someone who would not lie and act and cheat just  for his own benefit and try to keep the dirt to keep the trail clean and spotless.


Appealing to that good natured and honest and sincere and kind and childlike person you once were, I hope it doesn't mean nothing to you that YOU have broken the heart of someone who was once a friend, who trusted you with all her heart and gave you lots of chances just because, she trusted  you that much. Someone, who doesn't deserve any of the pain you caused her. Someone who is not just some girl. Because I am not just some girl and even if you feel that way, I want to tell you, you are wrong.

You meant so much to me. You stilll mean something to me. I just wonder, how little I could have meant to you. to break me  the way you did. Seeing it as such, it is not enough reason to do that just because of how bad our unlabeled relationship with each other was going. doing wrong, cheating  and lying is always a conscious choice.

too painful. to be the only one who feels this way. to be the only one who still feels pain after months of being apart. after months of having a lot of different life events take place. Its really too painful and hard to forget.

haay.

raw struggle

I don't know how to start this post. I am torn between wanting to pour it all out and keeping it in to save face and preserve myself.

For the past few weeks, there came upon me this "I don't care" or " I don't want to care" attitude and mentality. Though its been a refreshing and freeing change in my life, I still care what others have to say. I am still affected by how other people treat me. Only, I think, I'm affected but I can take it a little better than how I did before.

So here I am in the epitome of my weakness. Though it doesn't seem like it, I feel like I'm being stretched into all sides possible until I come apart. I think its right to never give up but as a human, I think I am not alone when I say, sometimes, I just want to. To give up, put it all down, give in to the struggle, let it consume me whole, come over me and wash over me like rain, reaching all corners and affecting my life, growing lines until it reaches my very far past. To let loose, drop any control I have on myself and let the pressure go. To feel free in my woes and issues. To let my sadness overwhelm me like I have no mind to think positively and keep sadness at bay. It is all too tempting but as a person whose faith in God has grown tremendously over the past months, I feel that I shouldn't let it all fall down. Somewhere in me, there is a feeling and a popping thought telling me to hold on, telling me that everything will get better soon, that God does not want me to give up, that if I have faith enough, I should know better than subject myself to sinking in with my sorrows. There are two forces pulling me apart in opposite directions and I have so little to take sides and make a stand. The little that I know tells me that it is so difficult.. both wanting to give up and not letting God down at the same time.

This confusion, indecisiveness and fear I feel has bugged my life for the past 4 years. I feel like I have no direction in my life. I was a good student, I did well in school, I did not seem the type to get lost in life after school but here I am, a mess, with a bigger mess at hand, not knowing where to start in order to fix the mess and bring order and structure to my otherwise scattered life.

At this stage in my life, I tried to be strong for my self. The recent events in my life made me face the fact that I could not count on anyone but myself. The process of growth that I am undergoing is really tough and it takes its toll on me. Subjects me to some form of anxiety I am not aware of until I notice myself doing things that are not healthy or wise. I think its all becoming too much in my head. The thoughts of where I should be. Where should I belong. What are the answers to the questions I had so long asked to no concrete avail. I'm burning myself out as it is and like I said, I want to give up already. I can't help but think that at the point in which I'm about it give it all up, some form of stuff will come to give me answers and end my misery. I keep waiting for an answer. Many vague answers came to me but they never really convinced my heart like how I imagined a life-changing epiphany would. I am really feeling hopeless here.

I came from a situation in my life that made me feel crestfallen. Like a child, cared for and loved for years then suddenly kicked-out of the house in one surprising day. I came from this relationship that I built my life around on without actually meaning to. That person was like my breath for life. The air and freedom I could hang on to when I felt so suffocated in my own life. The happy place for when I felt too sad, too worried, too afraid, too upset, too disappointed, too frustrated, let down. He was that part of my life I look forward to and feel comforted at having and turning on to after a long day. Somehow I felt cared for and at peace because I had that even when most parts of my life were going wrong. For most parts of the relationship, that was what it was. And that relationship vanished like a bubble and it vanished in a very painful way. What I felt for most years as trustworthy and faultless turned out to be the exact opposite.  I  fully trusted the good that the relationship was built on without me knowing the back side of the story. That even when it appeared nice to me, I was unable to see the dirty back part. The person who I expected to never let me down, the person who knows all my vulnerabilities and weaknesses, the person I trusted most was the person who let me down behind my back. More than being close to other women and lying, being let down and talked trash behind my back was the most painful part. It was pain that cut through so so deep. That pain and the way I was treated, the way our memories were treated after we were gone was the best way a single person has managed to hurt me. For the record, he hurt me the most with a pain I cannot live with. With pain he just let me feel openly like I really never mattered to him. Like I was just this passing person in his life that is easily replaced. That after all that has happened, I was still deducible for him. I lost myself there. A big chunk of my esteem left me. I never felt so unwanted until then and at times, I still suffer that pain until now. I thought love meant being with the person through thick and thin but that thought was challenged when I was made to realize, through that relationship, that when people don't get what they want from you anymore, they start fading away. I never really viewed the reality of most romantic relationships that way until it was staring me at the face. People do relationships to get what they want from other people. It is really hard to fathom that.

Coupled with the pain and difficulties of moving on, appearing strong and okay, I am facing a decision that could take my life in a course I'm strongly unsure I could handle. I am in the face of entering med school even if I am not strongly decided on it. It feels like the only thing I have left to do. I prayed so long for God to pave the path I'm taking into only one direction. To cross out all the other options that are bugging my mind so that the right path may appear. I asked for signs and I prayed for God to let me know, more concretely, where I am heading. Most of those I prayed for led to entering med school. Here I am a day before my enrollment, still greatly undecided and really half-hearted in pursuing medicine. I have feel an overwhelming feeling of comfort when I feel that I don't have to enter med school but an equally overwhelming worry of "what will I do if I don't?" gets to me. I am being hit continuously at my Achilles heel here. Pursuing medicine at this time is all led my the signs I asked and being left with no other possible choice at this very moment. I am one to know that those reasons are very bad reasons for pursing med school, what with all the difficulties and sacrifices it entails. I keep on waiting for that inevitable save that comes from a force I can't control, something that would deter me from entering med school and provide a path where I should be in instead of med school. I keep waiting and asking and searching for that but nothing comes. I am really feeling hopeless. I want to trust in God. I am confused though on what He is trying to tell me. Lord please forgive me if I feel this way. I know you understand me more than I understand myself. I feel like You are thrusting me towards the medicine path and at the same time, you are giving me the power to choose. There is something that tells me that wherever I am, what career I choose, I will be okay. And right now, I feel like I don't want to take medicine anymore. If I had another choice which was equally available to me now, I feel like I would not be pursuing medicine but  something still tells me that I should try going for medicine and see where it takes me. I get so afraid putting efforts into those years of medicine when it turns out to be the wrong one. My heart is not really set on it but I feel like I was left with no choice but to do it now. I dont know where to go now. I want to trust you Lord but I don't know how to proceed on it. what to do about it. I feel so anxious now. I feel so alone in my anxiety now. I can't help but write about it and let out all my weaknesses even if I want to appear strong and okay. I am typing endlessly here, not really caring about the organization of the thoughts I write. I am just so desperate for a solution. something that would make me feel decided and whole on a decision. That is my problem, I can't find solid ground. I can't find basis for the decisions I am about to make. I lost heart. I have no clear wants. I absolutely have no idea what to do and I am really really really lost. I want to cry and scream in pain and confusion. I want to give it all up but I don't want to let God down. this is killing me now. I want some rest. Let the answers come before it is all too late please? :((((((

really too desperate now.

They say write what hurts. and for the person reading this, having known I am not totally okay, I sure hope that you find the good in you and not judge me for the weaknesses I show. Or maybe by this, a thought just got validated in you that I am no good and you made the right choice in not wanting to be with me any longer. I really would want to deviate from that. I don't want any more pain from you. But if that is how you really feel and how you think about me, a weakling with no clear direction, a force that drags people down, I would want to say I want to quite caring.

Here I am in my weakest point. I wrote about it where anyone could read it. People do fall in their lives right.  but that is not what defines them.

and in this, I fall. I admit my fall. I just have fallen.
I hope I get redeemed.
I am exhausted now. I feel like I can't do anything even though I could do something.
I am afraid of my choices and today, I just let that consume me.
I have tried to be strong, pushed myself up but right now, I just want to let my weakness embrace me. I resign on this. I don't intend to throw my life away. I think I just have had too much, enough right now.
I resign on this. I lift this all up to Him and I believe He will save me. He will.
but for now, i'm consumed. I rest.

please come. salvation and redemption. I've really grown weary of my mistakes and thoughts. I'm tired enough.

Good riddance

I've lived in a lie without even realizing it.

I believed this person so much, so comfortably that I didn't know I was just being fooled.

I was made to only know the bright side of the matter

and when I knew all the dark that there was to it,

I feel like all along, all the words, moments, confessions were hollow and empty.

they are all lies.

coated to conceal.

and knowing those was like brutally pulling the closing wound open again and again.

and as if it was not enough, acid was poured on it like it was never really able to feel.

hurting someone without any regard, remorse or any ounce of care

is just tantamount to saying, with all the force one could muster, that

indeed, everything was just one messed up LIE made to lead the other person on.

It was an ending to a relationship without any redemption.

a betrayal to a friendship that is left lying in the corner, seemingly being observed if it can resuscitate itself.

just observing, doing nothing.



after all those times, after everything had ended, I still kept on believing what you had to say.
and even then, you just kept lying and keeping.
its right, I really don't matter to you.
and maybe that was how it was for a very long time when I even felt that nothing was wrong.
After everything, what you chose is to throw it all away.
no us. no nothing. no friendship.

I AM DONE BELIEVING YOU.
Go and find where your INTEGRITY went when it left you.
if it ever was in you.
I hope you find it.
You've caused too much pain and it seems like you don't even care about it.
Funny how years could lose meaning like they never really happened.

As difficult as it would be,
I would just make myself believe that they never really happened.
and I never knew a person with your name.
That despite the pain being alive inside of me,
I would choose to believe that nothing significant has ever happened.
If I still do, it would not make any sense how they could have happened with what is happening now.

I tried to save what may remain.
Tried to catch and hold on to the good that we had
to see each other as friends still
to be in good terms after we part and live separate lives
but seeing as how you don't give a damn about how I would even feel,
and not caring if it can hurt or not
makes it really difficult
to be okay with you
ever again.

I may not know everything.
but I have a right to what I feel
and I don't deserve to be lied to
to be kept in the shadows
to be made to believe that everything is good
when they are not.
You don't take me as a fool.
From the very start, you knew where you and I stood.
I was never just a person you just knew.
For what its' worth, I was a friend
and you knew me.
I don't deserve to be thrown like a rag when its all ratty and old.

Sorry. I tried my best to be okay.
to find and hold on to the good stuff.
but its too much indiscretion and pain and insensitivity
to even fathom being ok with you still.

at least what is true, at the present, has unraveled just before my very eyes.
and though the truth hurts
at least its the truth.

redemption?
I'll keep the lines open but I won't wait on it.

Thank you for showing me how much I'm worth.
that no action or word from you
could ever sum or define me.

an immature boost to the ego
maybe what you get
if you ever stumble on this.

its just all too much.
this is what is real.

someday somehow, what goes around, comes around.

finally.

and finally, I want to say sorry
sorry for all the bad words and statements that I said
sorry for not showing enough appreciation
sorry for just upholding the fact that I did not show appreciation that much
because I am that kind of a person, a person who is not easy to please.
Sorry for not recognizing that sometimes, I needed to transcend the person that I am
inorder to make someone feel I appreciate and love them.

sorry for being a monster to you
but really, I am not.
It may be thick of me to say that
You know deep inside you that I am not a monster
that there are just things that I am that you never thought I am.

as much as it feels sucky that you felt
that you fell in love with a person who you thought I was but then wasn't
I don't want to say sorry for myself
because I showed you who I am really
and maybe just maybe, you found some joy in that at least too.

I am the person I am in front of my friends
and in front of you.
just that for you, I was all serious and different
because I valued you more, and I cared for you and for me more.
I did not feel I needed to be the best I can be to be liked or loved for the way I am.
I feel hurt for knowing you did not love me for the person who you knew when we got closer
that you only liked me for what you saw in me when I was still just a friend.

Even so, I want to say sorry for not making you feel loved at the times you needed it the most
sorry that I had so many limitations and that you had to compensate for them.
There is no denying I was happy with you and I was also sad with you.
maybe we felt that both too. bittersweet, a combination of both, everything.
we felt everything together.
we were just too caught up in the moment and forgot what really mattered.
that even though we included God in us, we never really did as much as we could.

I knew I was not enough
but then even so,
I did not deserve to be lied to
to be kept in the dark and to be betrayed and denied and deduced like that.

Im sorry, You are sorry too
we both know that we could have been better

but now we can't be better together anymore.
sorry and thank you
yes, I really loved you.

I just wanted to get that across.
no matter the situation now,
no matter how maybe it doesn't matter to you anymore.
I just want to get it across.

Amidst all the pain and how much you could not care less now,
I just want to get it across
no other reason, no other motive
its just
just so you know.

that despite the pain Ive caused you,
how much you doubted the love I feel,
how much you did not feel it,
how much it was constricted and limited and hidden,
the pain I felt at losing us,
the ways I did inorder to talk to you again,
the way I wished for one more day,
the way I cried and pined and bargained and battled with myself,
the way I deny the pain when I see your face
the way I deny reality when I'm with you,
could tell you more of what I've felt for you
than how much you perceived I ever showed.


that even in my silence, there is something you can hear from me..
something that will let you know what I thought of us after we are gone
something about how I really feel.
Its just something.
I don't expect it to ever be anything.

someone once told me...

Someone once told me,

Let's share the world.
A sea is for you, and waves are for me.
The sky is for you, and stars are for me.
The sun is for you, and light is for me.
Everything is for you, and you are for me.


Its sweet, endearing and sounds so much of a poet or a person dreamily in love.
I like to think that its better if this comes from a guy, a guy telling this to the girl he loves.


That someone who once told me this is the same someone who used to love me.

Then I just realize that this kind of love fades, gets old and gets depleted.
It is not an infinite resource.
It can change and it can find a new home, a new heart.

For all the moments in time that I had this someone's love,
I was stupid enough to not notice the changes that love was turning.

I was taken aback,
felt like I was just plunged into cold waters
and my back was stabbed, deliberately.

He said he did not want to hurt me,
I believed that
but then even so,
He did anyway, eventually.

and it was so cold and icy,
the way it was done.
just when I thought things were better,
I realized, I was fooling myself.

The illusion I lived and breathed in,
the comfort and wonder of his presence in my life
seems like a very distant cloud now
soon to be dissolved, in time.

All the good moments we had,
gave security that he will never ever do
what he did.
All the good moments we had,
are just memories that were buried
below the fights that we did.
All the good moments we had,
I question whether they really existed.
All the good moments we had,
was what he chose to throw away
the moment that he felt
I was a blockage to his way.
All the good moments we had,
are painful to think about
It makes me question,
what we were all about.

Sometimes I miss him, sometimes I don't
Sometimes I wish I was in his arms again
Sometimes I wish, sometimes I won't
Sometimes I just want the pain to vanish
that with pain's vanishing, so will he.

All the good moments we had,
are in the past.
I never really know if they really happened
or were they just in my head.
Cause if they did happen,
maybe this would not happen.
If we were just not meant to be,
how come it was that easy
for him to replace me.
If we were just not meant to be,
maybe this is God's way
of telling him and me.

For if I choose to make things easier now,
I would go back to him
But If I would want to make things right,
I would let go of him.
I have to live my life.
I tried to do it with you
but fate and God told me,
it was not what I should do.

For the pain I feel in losing you
For the pain I feel in letting you go
For the pain I feel in our memories that will never be again
For the pain I feel at the speed at which we were through
For the pain I feel in not having said or did enough
For the pain I feel in our moments cut short
For the pain I feel from the betrayal you made
For the pain I feel in knowing you lost me
For the pain I feel in knowing you are with someone else
For the pain I feel in feeling your distance
For the pain I feel in believing in a love that never was what I believed it to be
For the pain of neglect, ignorance, misunderstanding, miscommunication and dishonesty,
For the pain of secrets, lies, cover-ups and coldness
For all the pain I felt from you..
I just don't know,
maybe you felt them too.

For all the pain we had together
The pain of together is over now.
and I know you couldn't be much better,
you couldn't be more happier.

For there was a time you thought you can't bear it if you lost me,
but you have proven yourself wrong.
Because right now, your world could not seem much brighter and lighter,
now that I am not around.

The price you paid for holding on,
was also the price I paid for doing the same thing.

Once we were so happy,
Once we were so great,
Once we shared so much of everything
Once we had it all,
now, we have none at all.

from hero to zero
That is the story of us.

2013 was when we almost had it all
it was also the same year we finally took our fall.

so long.
nothing can change anything.

we are spilled milk.
there is no use crying over us
now that it is all behind.
and we have the present and future to look forward to.
a future where there is no US
just me and just you.

this is the moment where I let go
where memories can't bother me anymore
what is in the past, remains in the past

you were in my life.
there is just no knowing if you will ever be in it again.

thank you for all the good moments,
 thank you for the pain.
thank you for all the lessons,
the sunshine and the rain.

thank you for caring,
thank you for protecting.
thank you for ignoring
thank you for sneering.

the bondage, the baggage, the issue, the stigma
for who the person really is, what she really is like
is just a stigma
that ruined
that broke
that killed
who I was and what I am to you.

its all in our heads.