raw struggle

I don't know how to start this post. I am torn between wanting to pour it all out and keeping it in to save face and preserve myself.

For the past few weeks, there came upon me this "I don't care" or " I don't want to care" attitude and mentality. Though its been a refreshing and freeing change in my life, I still care what others have to say. I am still affected by how other people treat me. Only, I think, I'm affected but I can take it a little better than how I did before.

So here I am in the epitome of my weakness. Though it doesn't seem like it, I feel like I'm being stretched into all sides possible until I come apart. I think its right to never give up but as a human, I think I am not alone when I say, sometimes, I just want to. To give up, put it all down, give in to the struggle, let it consume me whole, come over me and wash over me like rain, reaching all corners and affecting my life, growing lines until it reaches my very far past. To let loose, drop any control I have on myself and let the pressure go. To feel free in my woes and issues. To let my sadness overwhelm me like I have no mind to think positively and keep sadness at bay. It is all too tempting but as a person whose faith in God has grown tremendously over the past months, I feel that I shouldn't let it all fall down. Somewhere in me, there is a feeling and a popping thought telling me to hold on, telling me that everything will get better soon, that God does not want me to give up, that if I have faith enough, I should know better than subject myself to sinking in with my sorrows. There are two forces pulling me apart in opposite directions and I have so little to take sides and make a stand. The little that I know tells me that it is so difficult.. both wanting to give up and not letting God down at the same time.

This confusion, indecisiveness and fear I feel has bugged my life for the past 4 years. I feel like I have no direction in my life. I was a good student, I did well in school, I did not seem the type to get lost in life after school but here I am, a mess, with a bigger mess at hand, not knowing where to start in order to fix the mess and bring order and structure to my otherwise scattered life.

At this stage in my life, I tried to be strong for my self. The recent events in my life made me face the fact that I could not count on anyone but myself. The process of growth that I am undergoing is really tough and it takes its toll on me. Subjects me to some form of anxiety I am not aware of until I notice myself doing things that are not healthy or wise. I think its all becoming too much in my head. The thoughts of where I should be. Where should I belong. What are the answers to the questions I had so long asked to no concrete avail. I'm burning myself out as it is and like I said, I want to give up already. I can't help but think that at the point in which I'm about it give it all up, some form of stuff will come to give me answers and end my misery. I keep waiting for an answer. Many vague answers came to me but they never really convinced my heart like how I imagined a life-changing epiphany would. I am really feeling hopeless here.

I came from a situation in my life that made me feel crestfallen. Like a child, cared for and loved for years then suddenly kicked-out of the house in one surprising day. I came from this relationship that I built my life around on without actually meaning to. That person was like my breath for life. The air and freedom I could hang on to when I felt so suffocated in my own life. The happy place for when I felt too sad, too worried, too afraid, too upset, too disappointed, too frustrated, let down. He was that part of my life I look forward to and feel comforted at having and turning on to after a long day. Somehow I felt cared for and at peace because I had that even when most parts of my life were going wrong. For most parts of the relationship, that was what it was. And that relationship vanished like a bubble and it vanished in a very painful way. What I felt for most years as trustworthy and faultless turned out to be the exact opposite.  I  fully trusted the good that the relationship was built on without me knowing the back side of the story. That even when it appeared nice to me, I was unable to see the dirty back part. The person who I expected to never let me down, the person who knows all my vulnerabilities and weaknesses, the person I trusted most was the person who let me down behind my back. More than being close to other women and lying, being let down and talked trash behind my back was the most painful part. It was pain that cut through so so deep. That pain and the way I was treated, the way our memories were treated after we were gone was the best way a single person has managed to hurt me. For the record, he hurt me the most with a pain I cannot live with. With pain he just let me feel openly like I really never mattered to him. Like I was just this passing person in his life that is easily replaced. That after all that has happened, I was still deducible for him. I lost myself there. A big chunk of my esteem left me. I never felt so unwanted until then and at times, I still suffer that pain until now. I thought love meant being with the person through thick and thin but that thought was challenged when I was made to realize, through that relationship, that when people don't get what they want from you anymore, they start fading away. I never really viewed the reality of most romantic relationships that way until it was staring me at the face. People do relationships to get what they want from other people. It is really hard to fathom that.

Coupled with the pain and difficulties of moving on, appearing strong and okay, I am facing a decision that could take my life in a course I'm strongly unsure I could handle. I am in the face of entering med school even if I am not strongly decided on it. It feels like the only thing I have left to do. I prayed so long for God to pave the path I'm taking into only one direction. To cross out all the other options that are bugging my mind so that the right path may appear. I asked for signs and I prayed for God to let me know, more concretely, where I am heading. Most of those I prayed for led to entering med school. Here I am a day before my enrollment, still greatly undecided and really half-hearted in pursuing medicine. I have feel an overwhelming feeling of comfort when I feel that I don't have to enter med school but an equally overwhelming worry of "what will I do if I don't?" gets to me. I am being hit continuously at my Achilles heel here. Pursuing medicine at this time is all led my the signs I asked and being left with no other possible choice at this very moment. I am one to know that those reasons are very bad reasons for pursing med school, what with all the difficulties and sacrifices it entails. I keep on waiting for that inevitable save that comes from a force I can't control, something that would deter me from entering med school and provide a path where I should be in instead of med school. I keep waiting and asking and searching for that but nothing comes. I am really feeling hopeless. I want to trust in God. I am confused though on what He is trying to tell me. Lord please forgive me if I feel this way. I know you understand me more than I understand myself. I feel like You are thrusting me towards the medicine path and at the same time, you are giving me the power to choose. There is something that tells me that wherever I am, what career I choose, I will be okay. And right now, I feel like I don't want to take medicine anymore. If I had another choice which was equally available to me now, I feel like I would not be pursuing medicine but  something still tells me that I should try going for medicine and see where it takes me. I get so afraid putting efforts into those years of medicine when it turns out to be the wrong one. My heart is not really set on it but I feel like I was left with no choice but to do it now. I dont know where to go now. I want to trust you Lord but I don't know how to proceed on it. what to do about it. I feel so anxious now. I feel so alone in my anxiety now. I can't help but write about it and let out all my weaknesses even if I want to appear strong and okay. I am typing endlessly here, not really caring about the organization of the thoughts I write. I am just so desperate for a solution. something that would make me feel decided and whole on a decision. That is my problem, I can't find solid ground. I can't find basis for the decisions I am about to make. I lost heart. I have no clear wants. I absolutely have no idea what to do and I am really really really lost. I want to cry and scream in pain and confusion. I want to give it all up but I don't want to let God down. this is killing me now. I want some rest. Let the answers come before it is all too late please? :((((((

really too desperate now.

They say write what hurts. and for the person reading this, having known I am not totally okay, I sure hope that you find the good in you and not judge me for the weaknesses I show. Or maybe by this, a thought just got validated in you that I am no good and you made the right choice in not wanting to be with me any longer. I really would want to deviate from that. I don't want any more pain from you. But if that is how you really feel and how you think about me, a weakling with no clear direction, a force that drags people down, I would want to say I want to quite caring.

Here I am in my weakest point. I wrote about it where anyone could read it. People do fall in their lives right.  but that is not what defines them.

and in this, I fall. I admit my fall. I just have fallen.
I hope I get redeemed.
I am exhausted now. I feel like I can't do anything even though I could do something.
I am afraid of my choices and today, I just let that consume me.
I have tried to be strong, pushed myself up but right now, I just want to let my weakness embrace me. I resign on this. I don't intend to throw my life away. I think I just have had too much, enough right now.
I resign on this. I lift this all up to Him and I believe He will save me. He will.
but for now, i'm consumed. I rest.

please come. salvation and redemption. I've really grown weary of my mistakes and thoughts. I'm tired enough.

Good riddance

I've lived in a lie without even realizing it.

I believed this person so much, so comfortably that I didn't know I was just being fooled.

I was made to only know the bright side of the matter

and when I knew all the dark that there was to it,

I feel like all along, all the words, moments, confessions were hollow and empty.

they are all lies.

coated to conceal.

and knowing those was like brutally pulling the closing wound open again and again.

and as if it was not enough, acid was poured on it like it was never really able to feel.

hurting someone without any regard, remorse or any ounce of care

is just tantamount to saying, with all the force one could muster, that

indeed, everything was just one messed up LIE made to lead the other person on.

It was an ending to a relationship without any redemption.

a betrayal to a friendship that is left lying in the corner, seemingly being observed if it can resuscitate itself.

just observing, doing nothing.



after all those times, after everything had ended, I still kept on believing what you had to say.
and even then, you just kept lying and keeping.
its right, I really don't matter to you.
and maybe that was how it was for a very long time when I even felt that nothing was wrong.
After everything, what you chose is to throw it all away.
no us. no nothing. no friendship.

I AM DONE BELIEVING YOU.
Go and find where your INTEGRITY went when it left you.
if it ever was in you.
I hope you find it.
You've caused too much pain and it seems like you don't even care about it.
Funny how years could lose meaning like they never really happened.

As difficult as it would be,
I would just make myself believe that they never really happened.
and I never knew a person with your name.
That despite the pain being alive inside of me,
I would choose to believe that nothing significant has ever happened.
If I still do, it would not make any sense how they could have happened with what is happening now.

I tried to save what may remain.
Tried to catch and hold on to the good that we had
to see each other as friends still
to be in good terms after we part and live separate lives
but seeing as how you don't give a damn about how I would even feel,
and not caring if it can hurt or not
makes it really difficult
to be okay with you
ever again.

I may not know everything.
but I have a right to what I feel
and I don't deserve to be lied to
to be kept in the shadows
to be made to believe that everything is good
when they are not.
You don't take me as a fool.
From the very start, you knew where you and I stood.
I was never just a person you just knew.
For what its' worth, I was a friend
and you knew me.
I don't deserve to be thrown like a rag when its all ratty and old.

Sorry. I tried my best to be okay.
to find and hold on to the good stuff.
but its too much indiscretion and pain and insensitivity
to even fathom being ok with you still.

at least what is true, at the present, has unraveled just before my very eyes.
and though the truth hurts
at least its the truth.

redemption?
I'll keep the lines open but I won't wait on it.

Thank you for showing me how much I'm worth.
that no action or word from you
could ever sum or define me.

an immature boost to the ego
maybe what you get
if you ever stumble on this.

its just all too much.
this is what is real.

someday somehow, what goes around, comes around.

finally.

and finally, I want to say sorry
sorry for all the bad words and statements that I said
sorry for not showing enough appreciation
sorry for just upholding the fact that I did not show appreciation that much
because I am that kind of a person, a person who is not easy to please.
Sorry for not recognizing that sometimes, I needed to transcend the person that I am
inorder to make someone feel I appreciate and love them.

sorry for being a monster to you
but really, I am not.
It may be thick of me to say that
You know deep inside you that I am not a monster
that there are just things that I am that you never thought I am.

as much as it feels sucky that you felt
that you fell in love with a person who you thought I was but then wasn't
I don't want to say sorry for myself
because I showed you who I am really
and maybe just maybe, you found some joy in that at least too.

I am the person I am in front of my friends
and in front of you.
just that for you, I was all serious and different
because I valued you more, and I cared for you and for me more.
I did not feel I needed to be the best I can be to be liked or loved for the way I am.
I feel hurt for knowing you did not love me for the person who you knew when we got closer
that you only liked me for what you saw in me when I was still just a friend.

Even so, I want to say sorry for not making you feel loved at the times you needed it the most
sorry that I had so many limitations and that you had to compensate for them.
There is no denying I was happy with you and I was also sad with you.
maybe we felt that both too. bittersweet, a combination of both, everything.
we felt everything together.
we were just too caught up in the moment and forgot what really mattered.
that even though we included God in us, we never really did as much as we could.

I knew I was not enough
but then even so,
I did not deserve to be lied to
to be kept in the dark and to be betrayed and denied and deduced like that.

Im sorry, You are sorry too
we both know that we could have been better

but now we can't be better together anymore.
sorry and thank you
yes, I really loved you.

I just wanted to get that across.
no matter the situation now,
no matter how maybe it doesn't matter to you anymore.
I just want to get it across.

Amidst all the pain and how much you could not care less now,
I just want to get it across
no other reason, no other motive
its just
just so you know.

that despite the pain Ive caused you,
how much you doubted the love I feel,
how much you did not feel it,
how much it was constricted and limited and hidden,
the pain I felt at losing us,
the ways I did inorder to talk to you again,
the way I wished for one more day,
the way I cried and pined and bargained and battled with myself,
the way I deny the pain when I see your face
the way I deny reality when I'm with you,
could tell you more of what I've felt for you
than how much you perceived I ever showed.


that even in my silence, there is something you can hear from me..
something that will let you know what I thought of us after we are gone
something about how I really feel.
Its just something.
I don't expect it to ever be anything.

someone once told me...

Someone once told me,

Let's share the world.
A sea is for you, and waves are for me.
The sky is for you, and stars are for me.
The sun is for you, and light is for me.
Everything is for you, and you are for me.


Its sweet, endearing and sounds so much of a poet or a person dreamily in love.
I like to think that its better if this comes from a guy, a guy telling this to the girl he loves.


That someone who once told me this is the same someone who used to love me.

Then I just realize that this kind of love fades, gets old and gets depleted.
It is not an infinite resource.
It can change and it can find a new home, a new heart.

For all the moments in time that I had this someone's love,
I was stupid enough to not notice the changes that love was turning.

I was taken aback,
felt like I was just plunged into cold waters
and my back was stabbed, deliberately.

He said he did not want to hurt me,
I believed that
but then even so,
He did anyway, eventually.

and it was so cold and icy,
the way it was done.
just when I thought things were better,
I realized, I was fooling myself.

The illusion I lived and breathed in,
the comfort and wonder of his presence in my life
seems like a very distant cloud now
soon to be dissolved, in time.

All the good moments we had,
gave security that he will never ever do
what he did.
All the good moments we had,
are just memories that were buried
below the fights that we did.
All the good moments we had,
I question whether they really existed.
All the good moments we had,
was what he chose to throw away
the moment that he felt
I was a blockage to his way.
All the good moments we had,
are painful to think about
It makes me question,
what we were all about.

Sometimes I miss him, sometimes I don't
Sometimes I wish I was in his arms again
Sometimes I wish, sometimes I won't
Sometimes I just want the pain to vanish
that with pain's vanishing, so will he.

All the good moments we had,
are in the past.
I never really know if they really happened
or were they just in my head.
Cause if they did happen,
maybe this would not happen.
If we were just not meant to be,
how come it was that easy
for him to replace me.
If we were just not meant to be,
maybe this is God's way
of telling him and me.

For if I choose to make things easier now,
I would go back to him
But If I would want to make things right,
I would let go of him.
I have to live my life.
I tried to do it with you
but fate and God told me,
it was not what I should do.

For the pain I feel in losing you
For the pain I feel in letting you go
For the pain I feel in our memories that will never be again
For the pain I feel at the speed at which we were through
For the pain I feel in not having said or did enough
For the pain I feel in our moments cut short
For the pain I feel from the betrayal you made
For the pain I feel in knowing you lost me
For the pain I feel in knowing you are with someone else
For the pain I feel in feeling your distance
For the pain I feel in believing in a love that never was what I believed it to be
For the pain of neglect, ignorance, misunderstanding, miscommunication and dishonesty,
For the pain of secrets, lies, cover-ups and coldness
For all the pain I felt from you..
I just don't know,
maybe you felt them too.

For all the pain we had together
The pain of together is over now.
and I know you couldn't be much better,
you couldn't be more happier.

For there was a time you thought you can't bear it if you lost me,
but you have proven yourself wrong.
Because right now, your world could not seem much brighter and lighter,
now that I am not around.

The price you paid for holding on,
was also the price I paid for doing the same thing.

Once we were so happy,
Once we were so great,
Once we shared so much of everything
Once we had it all,
now, we have none at all.

from hero to zero
That is the story of us.

2013 was when we almost had it all
it was also the same year we finally took our fall.

so long.
nothing can change anything.

we are spilled milk.
there is no use crying over us
now that it is all behind.
and we have the present and future to look forward to.
a future where there is no US
just me and just you.

this is the moment where I let go
where memories can't bother me anymore
what is in the past, remains in the past

you were in my life.
there is just no knowing if you will ever be in it again.

thank you for all the good moments,
 thank you for the pain.
thank you for all the lessons,
the sunshine and the rain.

thank you for caring,
thank you for protecting.
thank you for ignoring
thank you for sneering.

the bondage, the baggage, the issue, the stigma
for who the person really is, what she really is like
is just a stigma
that ruined
that broke
that killed
who I was and what I am to you.

its all in our heads.

Everyday conversation

Things I could've said but then there is this thing called space that kept me from doing so.
a

Baby

have you eaten?
ano food mo?
anong ginagawa mo?

I went out today. Few meters away pagkalabas ko ng gate bigla ko naalala na wala ako dalang payong. I thought of going back but I hesitated so instead I just went my way. I was planning to go to the church. take note, i curled my hair and I liked the way it looked. halfway to my destination, it started drizzling but then I was still positive.ambon lang yan. I was praying though na sana hindi na lumakas yung ulan. to my dismay, the rain poured sooooo hard so I had no choice but to go straight to SM. Tinawagan ko si mama kasi maybdala siyang payong. nagpasundo ako sa bbaan ng jeep sa sm. Nakisilong ako sa big umbrella stand ng nagtitinda ng fishball. may katabi akong guy dun dumating na yung kasama niang may payong pero ayaw nia pa pumunta humiram pa sia ng panyo pamunas. that guy was taking so much space. pareho lng kming nkikisilong pero ung tubig tumutulo na sa may harap ko like 0.5 cm away from my face pero thank God dumating na si mama. maliit lang yung payong. super lakas parin ng ulan. basa ung likod namin. haha. worse is basa ung feet ko kasi nakasandals lang ako and you know namna na I hate getting my feet wet.  All throughout pero I was laughing. si mama bumili ng bagobg shirt mas nabasa kasi likod nia sakin. As for my curls, haha, nawala naging straight agad yung buhok ko. That time naisip ko yung preaching na happiness despite some difficulties. :)

ang haba ng pagkadescribe ko.pero yun. hahaha. Drenched.

usually at this point the conversation would go depending on your reply. Until I come up with something new to say like ...

pinalitan ko n ngay ng pink n gel guard ung sa note. parang nagsawa kasi ako sa black. pero mas gusto ko parin ung sleek design nung black. gusto ko lng palitan. haha

and then I would also tell you ....

Nagtext uli ung *. wait forward ko sayo ung text. ang weird lang kasi. para akong nadadamay ng wala nmn akong kasalanan. parang there is something fishy going on. nakakaewan lang.

and then I usually voice out my qualms such as....

yung kasama namin. you know Im trying my best na hindi mairita. trying not to have bad tjoughts and silent swear words in my head pero kasi sa case nia ngai sometimes eh I just can't help it. Siguro lang I still have to reach a higher point of understanding pero I just hate the way how she thinks and acts like she is all knowing when in fact you will just roll your eyes at the stupidities and mistakes. Im sorry God. haaay. You know. she has the guts to call other people as illiterate when she does not even know what the shape oblong looks like  Alam mo yun. She was asked to get the big oblong plate from the dish container and she took like 20 seconds to look. First she got the round one. When she was told it was wrong she got a round bowl and when she was told wrong again she finally said 'ano ba ate yung oblong di ko alam kasi'......*insert all the reactions here*

haha. and then in my head I picture you replying 'ano ba yan bobetz' with a Z. hah


just few of the things I couldve told you if I was feeling ok with myself already.

countless times during the day I thought of you.
It couldve been easier to just talk to you but then I still had this thing I feel I had to do myself.

I felt like part of why its so hard for me to move forward is because we were happy each time we saw each other and apart from the other things in my life, its the only thing I look forward to.

you know with this sort of empty days Im having, its really making me crazy having nothingproductive to look forward to aside from leisure, going out and the like.