A Million Rants

Monday, February 6

...

and finally, if you are going to leave, just go ahead and do it.
do not think about it,
do not break the news on a bright sunny day
and pull me back to the feeling i felt back then.

do not make me realize that I am in the same moment like I was before, finding strength to move on even if my conditions aren't that supportive for moving on as compared to you.

do not make me wait and wonder when that glorious day would come to me
do not make me cry at night when I should be going to sleep.
do not punch an invisible hole in my chest.
do not weigh my heart down that it feels so heavy carrying it around starting from the moment I wake up in the morning
do not make me long for the fresh early morning air against my face.
do not make me want to run and run as much as I can just so I cant feel the heaviness I am holding within.
do not make me write more and more of how I bad I feel.
do not make me miss the times we had and do not make me reminisce of good things that will never be.
do not make me feel like I have lost a person who made me feel like I am perfect and that I am completely finished without.
do not make me feel like I was a happier and better person before.
do not make me think that I am in a state of depression and I just dont realize it.
do not make me feel like I am doing things without heart because my heart is there, far away, trying to get healed but sadly recovering in the slowest way possible.

no. not again.
so just tell it to me straight.
and I would want to disappear right there and then.
from you and from everything else where we had memories.
memories that should not be remembered anymore.
that even though there are moments I would long to be with you, it would hurt me more that i feel that way and I would curse at myself for feeling that way. for unstable emotions, wanting gratification whenever they want to.
stop making me feel more pathetic than I already am.
making me wish that time could go back to the day that I did not know you in this kind of way to avoid all of the hurt and all the feelings that seem to suck my whole universe.

no. not again.
do not make me feel like alcohol is making a great comeback in my life.
do not make me resort to how alcohol could make it all go away, even for a fraction of time.
make me move on, feeling good about myself and not drowning in my own misery.
while you are there, taking steps on a place where it is easier to breath cause that place hasnt been painted with memories you had with me..
so if you are going to leave, make it quick, do not think about it.
because thinking about it would make me realize that it was the right decision all along and all we did was to postpone it as long as we can.
that us being happy again after problems was just a result of haste, of giving in to emotions and avoiding the right thing, ignoring, covering up and trying so hard to keep it at a very distant bay.
that thinking about it would make me think like we were running from it all the time, hoping not to be caught but somehow, it always catches up, just waiting for us to make our stop in final acknowledgement of defeat.
that giving in to goodbye at that final moment of contemplation makes us realize how hard we tried and still, it did not pay off.
that thinking it over would break us both in ways we dont realize, in a way that we are just standing, looking at each other while pieces of us slowly fall apart.

that the word goodbye comes to claim its rightful spot, now that it has been finally taken seriously.coming back to collect those moments where it was said with haste then tossed back to nothingness.

i dont want to be in double jeopardy.
about having to move on and having to find what direction in life I should take.
could you define a more broken and lower moment for me?
It was like I was shrunken to a pea. idle as can be. shelled up and with all meaning lost despite the hope in encouraging words and the promise of faith.
I dont want to talk about my story of moving on again to new people. I dont want to bare myself out there, seeking therapeutic catharsis but receiving wrong judgement in return.
could I sink any lower?
I dont want to regress and make my parents worry.
I dont want to have to face all the pain until it washes me over. I dont want to resort in easy ways because I feel like I cant take it anymore.
I want to feel anger rather than depression. I want that anger to make me not suffer all these things again. I want to be vengeful rather than crying.but I still want to move on genuinely and not mask the hurt that I feel with something that would cover up my weaknesses.
for I have been there and I have proven to myself that the method I chose was worth all the struggle come that one fine day when moving on stopped taking its toll on me, realizing that I already did and any attempts of going back would seem insipid and not a possibility anymore because your heart-without any conditioning- would not allow it anymore.

hello there hunger! You came as soon as I felt a little lighter. :)
now, I could at least eat.

untitled5

who are you anyway?
who I am anyway?

what we have been through, what were they anyway?
just a passing moments of people who created some memories they were not aware "for what" of.

i started thinking, what is the use of those memories when they're being tainted with these thoughts?
shouldn't they have happened in the first place?

i am sorry for being the screw. for being the needle. for being the question without any seemingly plausible answers. for being the question that seems almost impossible to be answered and keeps tiring people out.

a question.
a sad little question.

untitled4

why is it that the more I say about myself, the more I feel vulnerable. stripped of something, left bare, piece by piece.

and when I dont speak, I just feel like I am about to explode.

Is it just me? me who is afraid of someone agreeing to the pathetic image I have of myself and my current situation? Or is it just something in me yearning for a person who could truly understand me that although he/she speaks less in words, there is a bridge of understanding that comes of as real and genuine comfort.

good words are sometimes shallow, more often, empty and spoken out of the capability to comprehend without thinking just because communication is already more than an every second thing.

wonderful how the brain functions.
without heart, it still loses.

untitled3.

tears are falling.
for the second consecutive night but for a completely different reason.

its just, despite the people around me now, the people who say they care, I feel like I have no one to talk to.
someone who would take my thoughts seriously and let it show.
someone who really listens and not just responds casually.

just someone.
someone come please.

Friday, February 3

HOLIDAYS.1 !

I love holidays.
I love the merriment and I love doing holiday effort. :)
I even get pissed at how today's world seem a little more busy to decorate and pay attention to holiday preparations less.
bummer that one!
So I try my best to go effort the most that I can and I don't mind spending money for the holidays even though I only have a little money to spend.haha
guilty me! I lost a big part of my savings due to holiday expenses.
ALL WORTH IT THOUGH! :)

...and because holidays are tantamount to FAMILY bonding, here are some pictures taken with the people I love the most! :)

CHRISTMAS 2011