:(

seems like I have long neglected this blog didn't I?
just like a million times before, I dont have any words to say. I have no ideas how to start writing the thoughts that kept bothering me before I started to type.

anyway. as most of you might notice, I get more motivation to write when I feel bad.
I know the fact that its not a thing that people would want to read but the inner feeling of wanting to write it no matter still wins.

from the very first time I posted here until now, its pretty pathetic to admit that I still did not reach anything great, or went anywhere good. I am still unable to take my life into a successful turn. I am still unable to find that peace and to escape that dreadful feeling I get from knowing how others seemed to be successful in some sorts already. We all had the same start but here I am, lagging behind.  I always tell myself to fight for my future but its not sustaining to only think and continually self motivate. lucky for some moments that motivation gets me somewhere.

I never imagined my life to be like an empty bin. When I was still studying, I always envisioned myself as good, compared to some who obviously did not have any regard for what is good, proper, standard and stereotypical. People used to say I was good, that I was bound to reach great heights but here I am, doubting my past visions and what people used to tell.

I used to think I would be much better than where I am right now.
I stayed blind and careless, letting my situation remain that way.
I stayed sitting waiting for butterflies instead of running around trying to catch them.
I thought that by waiting, that by deviating from the road I was obliged to take, that I will eventually find what I am looking for and find myself there.
my questions are still unanswered now.
I am becoming more hopeless day by day.
My mind is slowly getting fried and I am slowly aging uselessly.

I dont know how to move.
My desires to be with people that I cherish prevent me from taking steps for myself.
and I do not want to blame them.
God knows I treasure them much more than anything else.
They are all that I have now and losing them even in a bit would get me broken, possibly beyond repair.

pathetic me.