she's still a little girl

Back when I started blogging at friendster, I always wrote about what I felt.  I blogged mainly when I felt bad, when I felt that I needed to get something out. I was never a blogger that was interesting to those who are not interested in me or those who never even knew me. Its the posts that drive people in, not the blogger.

I always blogged when I felt hurt. All of my posts had something about someone, mostly a guy or a friend who made me feel bad. Direct statements are always perfectly concealed in words, only meaningful to the one who can get affected by it.
I blogged about the micro-heartbreaks I experienced. The most memorable one still hits me today. How I blogged about a person who was a big part of my life. I blogged that he made my life a living hell. When I wrote that, I never meant for it to sound so derisive. It was the word that captured what I felt at that time. A lot of people commented discretely on that and I always remember that. When I look back to the friendster blog I loved, I always remembered "living hell" and I just laugh at it now.

I am still a little girl. I never quite got out of the circle--the circle of blogging about my silly (or not) emotions. Is that considered immature or healthy? Is that immature or a personal choice? Should I even think about what other people say or think when they only bother to read a few sentences? haha ;p

tonight, If I cried infront of someone, would that someone realize the gravity of what he makes me feel?  or does crying seem an everyday thing now that it even loses value? How bad do I feel anyway? Would you think that I would be able to write this if I felt happy? If you knew me, you would know that blogging is not as fun as it is unless I'm sad. Words wouldn't come out unless I feel something heavy. If I'm happy, I could only write a few words, nothing more. If I'm happy, I could stop easily, feeling that I squeezed myself out but If I'm sad, words would flow like an endless river and I have to consciously remind myself to stop or else even I would lose interest to read what I have wrote.

I have a weak mind at these times. I can divert but emotions still catch up. the pull of my feelings comes off stronger that the pull of my mind. It's my heart we are talking about here. In human science, you would know that your brain even controls your heart and I know many people are wishing that it was that easy to shut off emotions as it is to willfully stop breathing for a few seconds. *sigh*

 Someone is messing with my head and he wasn't contented with that, he even made a mess of my feelings  (not that I was hurt as badly as I was before when  each breath seemed like a heave and I comforted myself in early morning walks just to feel the fresh air come against my face). I'm not making a bad person here. He must have had his reasons for doing these things. Reasons that can be known even at the surface of his mind or reasons he was never consciously aware of as his heart makes them.

what I feel now? it concerns my pride as woman, as a girl. Right now I feel like a girl held up by her hair, made to hang painfully, and easily let down with just a fist held loose.

Boys like to play with toys and even when they become men, toys would always be a part of the equation. Just like how girls loved playing dolls, boys also loved playing cars. Girls immerse themselves in a fantasy world with their dolls, thinking they are the dolls but boys played with cars like gods who could do anything they wanted to. There was always this one car that they fancied but as time passed by and they grew, the most fancied car would only remain on the shelf, bedside table, inside a box or anywhere, gathering dust. When they see this car again, what draws them is not the fancy feeling but the memories, just the memories. It doesn't matter so much now, he has bigger toys to play with. Whats shiny and new before is old and easily replaced now.

Jerks.

sabaw!

Love has different answers to a same question I never meant to ask. While one said "papatawarin kita kasi mahal kita" the other said "you'll probably never see me again" . I am not making comparisons. The statements just gained permanent residence in my head ever since I first heard them.

(segway lang)

what I really wanted to write was only this:
"Even a man who could never even imagine cheating on a girl he loves can cheat, even a man who could never imagine being cheated on can easily cheat, even a man who says "I love you" can commit the biggest sin while saying so, even a man who is unlikely to cheat can cheat and even a man who swore never to cheat could not resist when the moment is already there and he needs a new person to take him on an adventure, even a man who regretted cheating, who got punished for cheating gives no guarantee that he will never do so again, even a man who was always there for you could hurt and betray you in ways (big or small) you never expected." Can you blame me for saying those? NO one yet changed my perception. Even if guys didn't cheat,they would always love to flirt others. close minded? nahhh, just broken trust. For people who had their trust broken that way, I think you would understand.

keep looking. As with matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. --steve jobs.

keep looking.

*a very deep sigh*