void.

there is nothing that could sooth my feelings tonight better than sad and mellow songs. These are the times when I hear and understand the lyrics as most significant. I remember the times when every sad song seemed to reach deep inside me just because at some point, I could relate. I got pass that stage and when I did, the songs which brought me so much tears seemed ordinary. It was the tune I was listening to, not the lyrics anymore.

Now, I am back to the lyrics.

Happy songs are happy but at some point, they can't fill the void that I feel. Maybe because I'm hearing something that is completely the opposite of what I feel, no appeal comes across.

It is sometimes good, to relate to something especially when you are hurting. Somehow, the void becomes more vague and I don't feel as empty in one part as I do.

at these kind of times i need a sounding board --someone who could listen to my woes and every bit of the feeling I can't help but repeat and repeat saying. This time, I chose to keep quiet. I chose to close my mouth rather than disclose all the details to another person. Yes I can get some comfort from hearing biased comments and attention but I learned better than bad mouth a person who made me feel like this.

It seems like history is repeating itself. People can say a lot of things, waiting for my reaction, anticipating their satisfaction. haha. Who says I'll be like that again? Go on, say what you have to say. I might get hurt but I won't let you know. This time around, I'll carry my head higher and refuse to give in to your tattles of negativity, indirect and unsaid words of smirking insults.

You know that I am weak but you may have overestimated that weakness. Someday, you will see your words get stepped on. Again, you don't know everything, so why should you speak as if you do and laugh about it?

This void becomes heavier. With only one person comes a whole lot of others who add careless weight. He may have had no intentions to hurt me at all but I know that you, because of him would want to see me down, crying and retracting my words.

I have one thing to say: thank you for hurting me. no sarcasm intended. thank you indeed for making me feel like this and making me realize that I have to fight for myself and thanks for reminding me that despite being easily affected by what others say, I should not take them all in and put my thoughts second.

back to the sad songs. I am sad. yes I am. I hope one of these days, I find closure. I hope it comes to me and I hope things between me and someone would get better even if better meant being away for too long or forever from each other.

I don't want to be mad at you anymore. I know you want the same thing. I know we both want to remove the bitterness of the situation, be thankful for the memories and perhaps end things with a hug, a smile and a wave goodbye. I may be assuming by saying that you want this too. I don't know. Just that, for me, I do.

they, and some others may mean more to you I know, but I mean at least something to you right? and I am not tantamount to nothing to you right? right?