Me and My inability to get a clue

It's November once again and I just have one nagging thought to share:
I DON'T want to be sad on my birthday.

I still remember that year when somebody broke my heart at the start of this month. It casted a fear inside me, made me a little bit more conscious on the condition of my heart as this month approaches.

Now, I say hello to that old fear once again.

My heart is yet again, broken.
Crushed, Broken
Torn, Broken
Thrown, Broken
Rejected, Broken
Abandoned, Broken
No other word but BROKEN.
Full of pain.

I have been wishing and praying for weeks now
Please, let me not be sad on my birthday :(

I know better than to expect something
but I can't tame my heart that keeps expecting
I can't tame it as it sets me up for possible disappointment, for a bigger outflow of tears
For crushing pain I'll have to make an effort to hide.

So how come I still can't get a clue?
Maybe of disbelief, maybe of denial, maybe of plain stupidity, maybe because I believed in lies and maybe because of my guilty heart, who, despite everything, keeps beating for the person who smahed it. Damn these feelings.

There were a lot of clues set infront of your nose.
You felt hurt the way people hurt because someone doesn't like them.
Worse if you add the word "anymore".

Anymore.
You came from a place of love only to wake up the next morning and feel it all lost.
There is something more painful in that, compared no never feeling any love or connection from the very start.
That is where the difference lies. the difference between the pain of unrequited love and a love lost.
You got lost and accustomed to living life with this person feeling love, cherished, cared for and you wake up to a day when its all gone and he treats you coldly.. that unintentional as he might seem to be, you notice even the smallest of differences. You feel and notice and get hurt by the very small differences even when he tells you its nothing. There is a stark difference, even in the small things.
you feel it. and yet ms. lee, you seem to deny it even more. Your mind knows it and your heart, stubborn, guilty, sinful, refuses to follow.

Even if you feel your heart burn, your eyes drip wet with tears you can't control, you still choose him each and every day. You try to see or look for a sliver of love, fueled by the good memories, you try to see the good in him.. and what happens is he only gets a lot more harsher, cruel.. he breaks your heart more and more.

Isn't it plain stupidity, how you can't get a clue paye?
He was this guy who seemed to be inseparable from you. Stuck to you like glue. Went with you in the most petty and trivial things you can handle alone. Never wanted to leave your side. Always there at your beck and call. Replies instantaneously fast. Always there, always available. Bugs you if he can't reach you, not content if you don't reply. Does anything just to see you. Always wanted to talk to you. Gives up time he has for others to spend it with you even if you are always together. Never wants to go home if he is with you. Always puts you first. Persistent through all the times you rejected him, and said "no we can't be together".. Showed persistence that he really feels something for you because its a feeling he can't fight even if you already said no and made him cry. An extremely jealous guy who never wanted any inch of you to be a part of any other guy's existence, let alone a small friendly conversation. He told me countless times that he didn't want to lose me, and he didn't lack showing that as well.

And then one day, when we're already out of that limbo, when my heart is already set on him, he started to reply less. reply longer. Says he cares but its only up to those words. He has less time for  you. Never asks you to go out. I had to beg for time to see him and when that day came, it didn't even last for more than 2 hours of being together, he already asks if we can already leave so he can meet his brother. and he didn't ask once, he kept asking to go home if there's nowhere else we'll go.
Whats worse is his face, his reaction, the way he looked pained, hesitant and tortured to be with me. the way he frowned and squirmed when I ask him for more time together. The way he doesn't move around when we're together and the way he just lets everything slide. The way he would walk farther away first instead of waiting for me so we can walk side by side together.  The loose hugs, uncomfortable pats on the back, hesitant touches, avoidant eyes. They all broke my heart to immeasurable pieces and I can't speak of how much painful it is to feel those, after all.

The same person who would leave any event he is in just so I won't go home alone is now the same person who drove past by me as I waited for a ride home, alone in a dark place, like I didn't see him, and worst of all, like he didnt even know me.

The same person who was adamant not to let other guys come near me is the very person pushing me to them. Telling me "you should find someone better" telling another person "ihatid at samahan mo na sia please para makaalis na tayo" infront of my face. The same person who told me "okay lang kung dun ka masaya" when asked if " is it okay if I date other guys na?". Knowing the person he was when he still felt something for me, he would flatly say no.

The same person who chose to be with me at every situation is the  same person who ignored me, the same person who doesn't reply to my messages anymore, the same person who smiles with others yet frowns at me. The same person who said he is happier with others because "there is nothing better with you"

"there is nothing better with you"
"there is nothing better with you"
"there is nothing better with you"

I believe I hurt him a lot of times but comparing those with hearing those words directly from him, I don't know what hurts more. Being told this by a person whom you thought really loved you beyond infatuation, beyond young superficial attraction, beyond the confines of the expectations of an adolescent relationship.

Feeling all of these,
Could you blame me if I already feel unloved?
In a stark contrast from how he has been to me in the past and the way he is to me at present,
Could I still believe that he loves me still?

In a spur of emotions, I told him "just tell me if you dont love me already"
he just said "edi hindi"

shorter than a moment, my world crumbled and I felt like he valued me less than a thing.
Again, after all.

So why is it, do I find it hard to get a clue?
get a clue that he already lost interest in me
that he doesn't love me beyond romance
that he doesn't want me anymore
in essence, he wants nothing to do with me anymore.
in essence, he would rather live now without me in his life.

why? because he said he still had feelings, he didnt fall out of love
and as much as those clues tell the truth, there is another truth I would want to believe
Another truth that my heart wants to live with,
the truth that is farther from reality.

He doesn't love me anymore or It isn't real love. that is what it all says.
He has someone new. Someone who stimulates him and he wants to pursue that, and not you.

I fought for those statements to be proved untrue
but constant "i love yous" being replied with "thank yous" and mere absence, ignorance and neglect
all the more tell me, he doesn't love you anymore.

I know him to be someone to operate on his feelings, no matter what hardship he is going through.
If he feels something for you, he will be there.

But now he's not.
thats enough to tell any rational person of the real truth
but it comes so hard for me.

this is killing me.
inch by inch, day by day.
as I see him live okay without me.
as I see him live by his choice to let me go, drop me down, cut me loose.

Now all I'm looking for is the freedom which comes from the real truth
Not the truth that he wants me to believe.
He doesnt love me anymore
and when people feel that, they leave
not caring about what the past meant.

He doesn't love me ANYMORE
He wants nothing to do with me.
and we never talk anymore.
I guess thats how we will be forever.

Its something that I must will to accept day by day.
He is content with his freedom away from me
because if he wanted to be with me, He would.
but he isnt here, so he doesn't.
No strong feeling of love reigns over his heart anymore.
and right now, to him, Im just another person who passed by.

this time with a person had been the shortest for me and its hard for me to make sense of it.
but he left me here and he broke all the promises we made.

he'd rather leave me alone in the dark than talk to me.

there's just no way he could love me still that way.
he totally ignores me now.

so why the hell can't I get a clue still?
these feelings, I want them to burn.

I want to be free.
I want to love and be loved genuinely.
I hate being in this place.

Please take the pain away now.
Please.

A new experience

Been fooled, cheated on, lied to
but they never changed on how they treated me.
Now I'm going through something new.

At present, its a new experience.
Its a roller coaster  -
figuring, trying, learning
how to cope up and deal with this.

its like a new stimulus that my brain is hard up interpreting.

people say its just life. One time you're this, the next time you're not.

but

How do people manage to believe that they are loved,
when they are treated last, next to nothing.
..and all that seemed real and constant before
is now all gone.
Except for the feelings that are verbalized
BUT are gloriously not acted out.

they say actions speak louder than words
and maybe, just maybe,
that is what my brain is telling me..
contradicting a heart that seems to be fooled and fooled over and over again.

For how could you like a person
give everything...
and take it all away
and say that no feelings changed?

Im in a limbo.
My feelings need NOT be protected until I can cope up on my own.

What I need is the truth,
no matter how harsh.
so I could be free.
finally.

why?

This post has no particular emphasis on grammar and spelling and all the proper writing stuff. this is just an outpour of emotions from a person who was told to express her feelings at 3:00 AM.

sabi nila kahit aware na ung utak mo, your heart still has troubles accepting what your mind already knows.

bakit nga ba, I'm greatly aware of it, had the thing slapped to my very face by the very person but still, at times, parang ang hirap parin mag sink in.

I don't understand the way I feel sometimes. PUSH and PULL like how I knew it will be, from the very start.

Sometimes I feel at peace. Sometimes, the dormant aches in my heart are awakened and I feel them again so raw, deep and really searing.

Sabi ko sa sarili ko, alam ko ako nalang nakakaramdam ng ganito. I look around at people, they look happy while I have this very deep painful feeling inside my heart. Parang ako lang yung nasaktan.

yes. parang ako nga lang talaga ung nasaktan. It sucks to feel that way. To feel worthless after all the memories. After all that has happened.

Okay naman na ako eh. I don't know why the pain keeps coming back. Maybe because, the redemption or justice or explanations my heart has been seeking isn't given yet.

Minsan I feel like, okay. kaya ko na maging mabait. deal with it like nothing bad happened and that I got past the pain and hurt na. Like I could go on praying for your wellbeing and happiness and safety without feeling guilt and without feeling like I'm cheating myself or putting myself down. Pero when I see a single picture, a single object, a single word that symbolizes the pain you caused me, all the hate keeps rushing through my heart like a visitor that didn't even need permission. I feel awashed with pain and hurt and overwhelming rage na I just want to punch that screen facing me. just to release my anger.

This is raw eh. I've gotten past the pain of not being with you but the pain which comes from what you did to me and you being with that person is a totally different subject. Moreso the pain which comes from how well you managed to show and make it seem like our years together (or what you may wish to call it) was nothing at all. what with the shirt incident, the span of time it took you to transfer the same kind (or greater kind of) affection you used to give to me to someone else. Makes it really valid that the two of you had something going on while I was still hanging around your life. That even for you, its hard (and maybe you don't want to) to even admit that you liked her all along, while there was still something between us. and that you just merely waited for me to be the one to end whatever we could call as US. You see, that morning at Mcdo, when I was talking to you, when I was telling you of the pain I feel (the worst kind of pain you ever let me feel), you were there, super calm, giving little explanation and easy peasy No's and all. I know you knew where that talk was heading and when I told you that things between us couldn't be anymore, its as if your face momentarily shone and you quickly changed it to adapt and try to be sensitive to the situation. where maybe deep inside, you felt the instantaneous joy for freedom your heart has been seeking. for ultimate, guilt-less, no worries kind of freedom your heart has been seeking to finally bare your attention and feelings to another person you have been secretly liking.

You see, after all we have been through, from the very start to the uphill and downhill journey or our so called relationship up to its demise, at that moment when I told you we're through (like we had something to finish), it felt as though, it all came easy to you, to accept in a matter of 3-5 days that we are gone. I am gone from your life, FOREVER.  Like for you, losing me was a great relief, a great burden lifted off your shoulders and you couldn't wait to spend more time to the other person your emotions has been screaming for.

In short, what hurts like hell is that AFTER ALL, for that kulang kulang na 4-5 years (not quite sure) of memories, with me, our friends, my family, I was just nothing to you.

Kasi ba meron na agad iba, kaya ganoon nalang kadali mawalan ng value sayo ang taong ilang taon mo rin kausap at halos kasama lagi?

the foolish part of it was, I never saw this coming from you. I told you over and over again. I knew you as a friend. highschool palang kilala na kita. Even for a person with severe trust issues like me, I never even had the smallest, slightest doubt on you. I thought, without any questions, hesitations and misgivings, I could trust you. I did not condition my mind to think that way. My heart and my mind just processed that naturally. I had my full trust on you. I had that full trust in that foundation on how I knew you as a friend and all. You knew my past story. You knew a lot, almost all of my weaknesses, flaws, insecurities and vulnerabilities. I was really an open book to you and all of it was because of that very strong trust. Tapos, sa huli, kung kelan, I feel like we are going on to something better, it all came falling apart. The very big trust I had in you, you broke it, without me realizing, starting at a very early point. Like you had this big rock to crumble and what you had in hand was only a small chisel and a hammer and you broke the rock in pieces, everyday, with the beginning going unnoticed until the chip was very big already, it is unnoticeable already from the bed of stones from which it originally was built with. ang sakit lang talga.

The very person I trusted with myself bare and raw was the same person who dropped me like I was some hot  mouthful of food that was immediately spit out.

I keep looking for answers WHY did you have to do that to me?
If its because the pain I've caused you, then where the hell is your integrity and what is that love you call to throw me stones bigger in vengeance for what I did not intentionally throw at you?

How could you do that to me? Up until now, I feel like I still don't know the truth. Like there are still things you have not told me. I know we are not anything anymore. Yes I am greatly aware of that. I JUST WANT FITTING ANSWERS. MY HEART HAS OVERFLOWING QUESTIONS. Questions that you may think "nasagot ko naman na" pero prang di kasi sapat o tumutugma. Like how they say the truth was like lock and key. to my  question, you have given keys of answers but none of them still perfectly fits.

If I have to look like a loser for still feeling this way after all the time we spent apart, I mean come on, you have been in another relationship after me, then go think that way. I dont consider myself a loser anyhow. I'm just being true to what I feel and besides, I want to make it a point that the pain, the heartbreak that I went through at our end, was a lot different from any pain you may have felt. assuming you felt any pain at all. I had the pain worse than you did. I was the receiving end of the heartbreak from the end of us. Sa huli, ako ung nasaktan. You may have understood that and considered that so I hope, the truth comes out now.

You may have forgotten all about me, gotten to that stage where you don't even feel affected anymore by what I say, do or what but hey, I just want answers.

I want my peace so I want to demand answers.

This just goes to show how much our past meant to me. or how much you meant to me. How much pain I'm feeling especially when its triggered.

At times, I really wish you well. feel no hate for you like everything is already healed but then I see images of you and her. see images of her and then im reminded of the pain all over again.

As for you, you may not understand that, and think of it in a petty way, how I could dislike someone or something so much. but think of it as a living reminder of how much pain I went through and still go through for what happened and how they happened. masakit talaga eh. sometimes I feel, I never knew, I could feel this much dislike for a person.

Imagine, sa huling araw na makikita at makakasama mo ako as someone that supposed to mean so much to you, inayawan mo pa at sadyang parang ordinaryong araw lang na kelangan mong magtrabaho. Somehow nagexpect rin naman ako ng malaking pagpapahalaga galing sayo.. na alam ko mahirap. halos di mo maiwan trabaho mo pero un na ung araw na huli na natin eh. tapos ganun nalang.oo, nalate ka na nga. pero diba diba, kung mahalaga talaga ung tao sayo, tapos mawawala na siya sa buhay mo sa araw na un, ganon ba ang gagawin mo? hindi mo ba pipiliin na pahabain ung oras na kasama at kausap sia kasi un na ang huli? hindi ganon ang nangyari eh kaya nadadagdagan na lang tlga ng proof na hindi na nga  ako ganon kaimportante sayo. nagtuloy tuloy na un. epitome, yung t-shirt talga. low blow na talga un at deserve mo narin tlga  na masampal dahil dun kahit sabihin mo pa na wala akong karapatan to do that. well kasi, its all disrespect, insult, deliberate offense and outright showing of worthless all rolled into one. Ilang linggo lang un na kakawala lang natin, ganon na kawalang importansya agad ako para sayo. prang it goes to show lang, matagal na akong walang halaga para sayo. Tapos hindi ko man lang naramdaman or nakita un? magaling ka lang ba talagang umarte at magturn ng tables o sadyang ganon lang tlaga kalaki ung tiwala ko sayo? tiwala na hindi na pla dapat. betrayal at its finest talga. sabihin mo mang wala naman outright na third party pero patong patong na kasinungalingan tska ung pinakamasakit eh, ako, nilaglag mo ako and you trash talked me, to other people, to your women friends pa for that matter. I mean what was I to you for you to be able to tell other people those stuff, in direct reference to me? Diba. un ung masakit dun eh. ung taong akala at alam mo na may malaking pagmamahal at pagpapahalaga sayo, magkalayo man kayo, ung taong ipagtatanggol ka sa harap ng ibang tao, ung taong hindi magsasabi ng kahit anong masamang bagay in describing you or anything related to you kahit sa mga kaibigan nia, that very person you trusted so much to uphold you, your image and your wellbeing in front of other people, the person you trusted with all your weaknesses and the bare you, good and bad without any hesitation, full of trust that he won't use your weaknesses against you. Those things that I thought you would do, uphold me and all, was the exact opposite of what you did. Nilaglag mo ako sa isang babae pa. nothing could ever destroy my trust in you greater than that. aside from all the lies and the things kept.

If I could not stress it enough, aun na ako eh, super open sayo. I have no guards on myself when with you,. You  know everything or almost everything about me and I was sure you would take of that. but you just dropped me like a hot potato.

feels so bad, and really a bad blow to the ego to have someone mean so much to you, hurt you and do actions that speak that you don't mean that much. that you were just a girl. relationships that friends love to talk and criticize especially when they dont know the person. Feels so bad, to be greatly loyal to someone, to have upholded someone even in the midst of looking bad or pathetic, hindi lang mabahiran ung image mo sa mga taong mas close ko or sa mga taong di ka kilala..tapos hindi pala ganon ang gingawa sayo. masaklap eh, sa side nia, ikaw pa ung nagmumukang katawa tawa sinasabihan ng "ano ba yan" and there you are, just enjoying the conversation and good rub to your male ego the emphasis, that yes, they are on your side.

ang hirap lang isipin, pag kaharap ako parang ang bait bait mo saakin. pala, pag magkalayo, kung pwedeng mapagusapan, maikwento ung mga pangit na bagay, maging conversation piece na pwedeng maging butt ng jokes, criticism o asaran.. go lang. kasi siguro asa isip mo, hindi ko naman malalaman. grabe. I feel super fooled and used at yes, fooled right under my nose.

It hurts even more to imagine what kind of jokes or things you and the people you talk with  come up when its your relation with me you speak of.

masakit talga. you, know very well how I get affected by what people think of me and while you might have had the intention to stir me off that, you should have understood that I am a person and that may have been one of the weaknesses I have. You don't have to desensitize it. If you really cared about me, you should have even protected me from what other people might say badly of me because of what you tell them. kahit pa friends mo sila. Pero eto naman ako eh dapat ganyan dapat ganito. eh pano naman kasi talga kung hindi ako ganon kahalaga sayo for you to protect me from the bad thoughts and half meant jokes of other people I dont even know.

hirap lang talga tanggapin. Di ko inexpect na ikaw ung gagawa ng gnyang bagay. About backstabbing, well that is what you did to me. You hurt me while I had my back turned with the hopes that I will never find out. How could you love me that way?


I want to really know. honestly. honestly. (dont think about looking bad, if ever you answer me no),
did you really love me? were those I love you's real? or were they just the thing to say for that infatuation or attraction you once felt for me?
please let me be at peace. tell me if you really honestly, from the bottom of your heart, love me?

I'd rather hear the truth even if it really really really really really hurts.


In the depths of my heart, I still care for you. sometimes I think about wanting to be with you again. if not for all the pain I feel from what you did. There is still love I feel for you even if I know we can never be again. The pain you caused is really big and it hurts so much,,I feel like being stabbed at the middle of my chest for a hundred times over and over again.

Sana, kung mabasa mo man ito, hindi mo ipagwalang bahala like those ruthless people who just laugh and get a swollen ego from knowing that someone cares for them that much when they dont even care for the person at all.

Im still looking for redemption from the pain you left with me.

I just hope, somewhere in your mind and heart, there is still this *i*** that I knew who was a good, kind hearted boy, someone who would never attempt to play and cheat with a girl's heart, as I knew you used to be.

someone who would not lie and act and cheat just  for his own benefit and try to keep the dirt to keep the trail clean and spotless.


Appealing to that good natured and honest and sincere and kind and childlike person you once were, I hope it doesn't mean nothing to you that YOU have broken the heart of someone who was once a friend, who trusted you with all her heart and gave you lots of chances just because, she trusted  you that much. Someone, who doesn't deserve any of the pain you caused her. Someone who is not just some girl. Because I am not just some girl and even if you feel that way, I want to tell you, you are wrong.

You meant so much to me. You stilll mean something to me. I just wonder, how little I could have meant to you. to break me  the way you did. Seeing it as such, it is not enough reason to do that just because of how bad our unlabeled relationship with each other was going. doing wrong, cheating  and lying is always a conscious choice.

too painful. to be the only one who feels this way. to be the only one who still feels pain after months of being apart. after months of having a lot of different life events take place. Its really too painful and hard to forget.

haay.

raw struggle

I don't know how to start this post. I am torn between wanting to pour it all out and keeping it in to save face and preserve myself.

For the past few weeks, there came upon me this "I don't care" or " I don't want to care" attitude and mentality. Though its been a refreshing and freeing change in my life, I still care what others have to say. I am still affected by how other people treat me. Only, I think, I'm affected but I can take it a little better than how I did before.

So here I am in the epitome of my weakness. Though it doesn't seem like it, I feel like I'm being stretched into all sides possible until I come apart. I think its right to never give up but as a human, I think I am not alone when I say, sometimes, I just want to. To give up, put it all down, give in to the struggle, let it consume me whole, come over me and wash over me like rain, reaching all corners and affecting my life, growing lines until it reaches my very far past. To let loose, drop any control I have on myself and let the pressure go. To feel free in my woes and issues. To let my sadness overwhelm me like I have no mind to think positively and keep sadness at bay. It is all too tempting but as a person whose faith in God has grown tremendously over the past months, I feel that I shouldn't let it all fall down. Somewhere in me, there is a feeling and a popping thought telling me to hold on, telling me that everything will get better soon, that God does not want me to give up, that if I have faith enough, I should know better than subject myself to sinking in with my sorrows. There are two forces pulling me apart in opposite directions and I have so little to take sides and make a stand. The little that I know tells me that it is so difficult.. both wanting to give up and not letting God down at the same time.

This confusion, indecisiveness and fear I feel has bugged my life for the past 4 years. I feel like I have no direction in my life. I was a good student, I did well in school, I did not seem the type to get lost in life after school but here I am, a mess, with a bigger mess at hand, not knowing where to start in order to fix the mess and bring order and structure to my otherwise scattered life.

At this stage in my life, I tried to be strong for my self. The recent events in my life made me face the fact that I could not count on anyone but myself. The process of growth that I am undergoing is really tough and it takes its toll on me. Subjects me to some form of anxiety I am not aware of until I notice myself doing things that are not healthy or wise. I think its all becoming too much in my head. The thoughts of where I should be. Where should I belong. What are the answers to the questions I had so long asked to no concrete avail. I'm burning myself out as it is and like I said, I want to give up already. I can't help but think that at the point in which I'm about it give it all up, some form of stuff will come to give me answers and end my misery. I keep waiting for an answer. Many vague answers came to me but they never really convinced my heart like how I imagined a life-changing epiphany would. I am really feeling hopeless here.

I came from a situation in my life that made me feel crestfallen. Like a child, cared for and loved for years then suddenly kicked-out of the house in one surprising day. I came from this relationship that I built my life around on without actually meaning to. That person was like my breath for life. The air and freedom I could hang on to when I felt so suffocated in my own life. The happy place for when I felt too sad, too worried, too afraid, too upset, too disappointed, too frustrated, let down. He was that part of my life I look forward to and feel comforted at having and turning on to after a long day. Somehow I felt cared for and at peace because I had that even when most parts of my life were going wrong. For most parts of the relationship, that was what it was. And that relationship vanished like a bubble and it vanished in a very painful way. What I felt for most years as trustworthy and faultless turned out to be the exact opposite.  I  fully trusted the good that the relationship was built on without me knowing the back side of the story. That even when it appeared nice to me, I was unable to see the dirty back part. The person who I expected to never let me down, the person who knows all my vulnerabilities and weaknesses, the person I trusted most was the person who let me down behind my back. More than being close to other women and lying, being let down and talked trash behind my back was the most painful part. It was pain that cut through so so deep. That pain and the way I was treated, the way our memories were treated after we were gone was the best way a single person has managed to hurt me. For the record, he hurt me the most with a pain I cannot live with. With pain he just let me feel openly like I really never mattered to him. Like I was just this passing person in his life that is easily replaced. That after all that has happened, I was still deducible for him. I lost myself there. A big chunk of my esteem left me. I never felt so unwanted until then and at times, I still suffer that pain until now. I thought love meant being with the person through thick and thin but that thought was challenged when I was made to realize, through that relationship, that when people don't get what they want from you anymore, they start fading away. I never really viewed the reality of most romantic relationships that way until it was staring me at the face. People do relationships to get what they want from other people. It is really hard to fathom that.

Coupled with the pain and difficulties of moving on, appearing strong and okay, I am facing a decision that could take my life in a course I'm strongly unsure I could handle. I am in the face of entering med school even if I am not strongly decided on it. It feels like the only thing I have left to do. I prayed so long for God to pave the path I'm taking into only one direction. To cross out all the other options that are bugging my mind so that the right path may appear. I asked for signs and I prayed for God to let me know, more concretely, where I am heading. Most of those I prayed for led to entering med school. Here I am a day before my enrollment, still greatly undecided and really half-hearted in pursuing medicine. I have feel an overwhelming feeling of comfort when I feel that I don't have to enter med school but an equally overwhelming worry of "what will I do if I don't?" gets to me. I am being hit continuously at my Achilles heel here. Pursuing medicine at this time is all led my the signs I asked and being left with no other possible choice at this very moment. I am one to know that those reasons are very bad reasons for pursing med school, what with all the difficulties and sacrifices it entails. I keep on waiting for that inevitable save that comes from a force I can't control, something that would deter me from entering med school and provide a path where I should be in instead of med school. I keep waiting and asking and searching for that but nothing comes. I am really feeling hopeless. I want to trust in God. I am confused though on what He is trying to tell me. Lord please forgive me if I feel this way. I know you understand me more than I understand myself. I feel like You are thrusting me towards the medicine path and at the same time, you are giving me the power to choose. There is something that tells me that wherever I am, what career I choose, I will be okay. And right now, I feel like I don't want to take medicine anymore. If I had another choice which was equally available to me now, I feel like I would not be pursuing medicine but  something still tells me that I should try going for medicine and see where it takes me. I get so afraid putting efforts into those years of medicine when it turns out to be the wrong one. My heart is not really set on it but I feel like I was left with no choice but to do it now. I dont know where to go now. I want to trust you Lord but I don't know how to proceed on it. what to do about it. I feel so anxious now. I feel so alone in my anxiety now. I can't help but write about it and let out all my weaknesses even if I want to appear strong and okay. I am typing endlessly here, not really caring about the organization of the thoughts I write. I am just so desperate for a solution. something that would make me feel decided and whole on a decision. That is my problem, I can't find solid ground. I can't find basis for the decisions I am about to make. I lost heart. I have no clear wants. I absolutely have no idea what to do and I am really really really lost. I want to cry and scream in pain and confusion. I want to give it all up but I don't want to let God down. this is killing me now. I want some rest. Let the answers come before it is all too late please? :((((((

really too desperate now.

They say write what hurts. and for the person reading this, having known I am not totally okay, I sure hope that you find the good in you and not judge me for the weaknesses I show. Or maybe by this, a thought just got validated in you that I am no good and you made the right choice in not wanting to be with me any longer. I really would want to deviate from that. I don't want any more pain from you. But if that is how you really feel and how you think about me, a weakling with no clear direction, a force that drags people down, I would want to say I want to quite caring.

Here I am in my weakest point. I wrote about it where anyone could read it. People do fall in their lives right.  but that is not what defines them.

and in this, I fall. I admit my fall. I just have fallen.
I hope I get redeemed.
I am exhausted now. I feel like I can't do anything even though I could do something.
I am afraid of my choices and today, I just let that consume me.
I have tried to be strong, pushed myself up but right now, I just want to let my weakness embrace me. I resign on this. I don't intend to throw my life away. I think I just have had too much, enough right now.
I resign on this. I lift this all up to Him and I believe He will save me. He will.
but for now, i'm consumed. I rest.

please come. salvation and redemption. I've really grown weary of my mistakes and thoughts. I'm tired enough.

Good riddance

I've lived in a lie without even realizing it.

I believed this person so much, so comfortably that I didn't know I was just being fooled.

I was made to only know the bright side of the matter

and when I knew all the dark that there was to it,

I feel like all along, all the words, moments, confessions were hollow and empty.

they are all lies.

coated to conceal.

and knowing those was like brutally pulling the closing wound open again and again.

and as if it was not enough, acid was poured on it like it was never really able to feel.

hurting someone without any regard, remorse or any ounce of care

is just tantamount to saying, with all the force one could muster, that

indeed, everything was just one messed up LIE made to lead the other person on.

It was an ending to a relationship without any redemption.

a betrayal to a friendship that is left lying in the corner, seemingly being observed if it can resuscitate itself.

just observing, doing nothing.



after all those times, after everything had ended, I still kept on believing what you had to say.
and even then, you just kept lying and keeping.
its right, I really don't matter to you.
and maybe that was how it was for a very long time when I even felt that nothing was wrong.
After everything, what you chose is to throw it all away.
no us. no nothing. no friendship.

I AM DONE BELIEVING YOU.
Go and find where your INTEGRITY went when it left you.
if it ever was in you.
I hope you find it.
You've caused too much pain and it seems like you don't even care about it.
Funny how years could lose meaning like they never really happened.

As difficult as it would be,
I would just make myself believe that they never really happened.
and I never knew a person with your name.
That despite the pain being alive inside of me,
I would choose to believe that nothing significant has ever happened.
If I still do, it would not make any sense how they could have happened with what is happening now.

I tried to save what may remain.
Tried to catch and hold on to the good that we had
to see each other as friends still
to be in good terms after we part and live separate lives
but seeing as how you don't give a damn about how I would even feel,
and not caring if it can hurt or not
makes it really difficult
to be okay with you
ever again.

I may not know everything.
but I have a right to what I feel
and I don't deserve to be lied to
to be kept in the shadows
to be made to believe that everything is good
when they are not.
You don't take me as a fool.
From the very start, you knew where you and I stood.
I was never just a person you just knew.
For what its' worth, I was a friend
and you knew me.
I don't deserve to be thrown like a rag when its all ratty and old.

Sorry. I tried my best to be okay.
to find and hold on to the good stuff.
but its too much indiscretion and pain and insensitivity
to even fathom being ok with you still.

at least what is true, at the present, has unraveled just before my very eyes.
and though the truth hurts
at least its the truth.

redemption?
I'll keep the lines open but I won't wait on it.

Thank you for showing me how much I'm worth.
that no action or word from you
could ever sum or define me.

an immature boost to the ego
maybe what you get
if you ever stumble on this.

its just all too much.
this is what is real.

someday somehow, what goes around, comes around.