raw struggle

I don't know how to start this post. I am torn between wanting to pour it all out and keeping it in to save face and preserve myself.

For the past few weeks, there came upon me this "I don't care" or " I don't want to care" attitude and mentality. Though its been a refreshing and freeing change in my life, I still care what others have to say. I am still affected by how other people treat me. Only, I think, I'm affected but I can take it a little better than how I did before.

So here I am in the epitome of my weakness. Though it doesn't seem like it, I feel like I'm being stretched into all sides possible until I come apart. I think its right to never give up but as a human, I think I am not alone when I say, sometimes, I just want to. To give up, put it all down, give in to the struggle, let it consume me whole, come over me and wash over me like rain, reaching all corners and affecting my life, growing lines until it reaches my very far past. To let loose, drop any control I have on myself and let the pressure go. To feel free in my woes and issues. To let my sadness overwhelm me like I have no mind to think positively and keep sadness at bay. It is all too tempting but as a person whose faith in God has grown tremendously over the past months, I feel that I shouldn't let it all fall down. Somewhere in me, there is a feeling and a popping thought telling me to hold on, telling me that everything will get better soon, that God does not want me to give up, that if I have faith enough, I should know better than subject myself to sinking in with my sorrows. There are two forces pulling me apart in opposite directions and I have so little to take sides and make a stand. The little that I know tells me that it is so difficult.. both wanting to give up and not letting God down at the same time.

This confusion, indecisiveness and fear I feel has bugged my life for the past 4 years. I feel like I have no direction in my life. I was a good student, I did well in school, I did not seem the type to get lost in life after school but here I am, a mess, with a bigger mess at hand, not knowing where to start in order to fix the mess and bring order and structure to my otherwise scattered life.

At this stage in my life, I tried to be strong for my self. The recent events in my life made me face the fact that I could not count on anyone but myself. The process of growth that I am undergoing is really tough and it takes its toll on me. Subjects me to some form of anxiety I am not aware of until I notice myself doing things that are not healthy or wise. I think its all becoming too much in my head. The thoughts of where I should be. Where should I belong. What are the answers to the questions I had so long asked to no concrete avail. I'm burning myself out as it is and like I said, I want to give up already. I can't help but think that at the point in which I'm about it give it all up, some form of stuff will come to give me answers and end my misery. I keep waiting for an answer. Many vague answers came to me but they never really convinced my heart like how I imagined a life-changing epiphany would. I am really feeling hopeless here.

I came from a situation in my life that made me feel crestfallen. Like a child, cared for and loved for years then suddenly kicked-out of the house in one surprising day. I came from this relationship that I built my life around on without actually meaning to. That person was like my breath for life. The air and freedom I could hang on to when I felt so suffocated in my own life. The happy place for when I felt too sad, too worried, too afraid, too upset, too disappointed, too frustrated, let down. He was that part of my life I look forward to and feel comforted at having and turning on to after a long day. Somehow I felt cared for and at peace because I had that even when most parts of my life were going wrong. For most parts of the relationship, that was what it was. And that relationship vanished like a bubble and it vanished in a very painful way. What I felt for most years as trustworthy and faultless turned out to be the exact opposite.  I  fully trusted the good that the relationship was built on without me knowing the back side of the story. That even when it appeared nice to me, I was unable to see the dirty back part. The person who I expected to never let me down, the person who knows all my vulnerabilities and weaknesses, the person I trusted most was the person who let me down behind my back. More than being close to other women and lying, being let down and talked trash behind my back was the most painful part. It was pain that cut through so so deep. That pain and the way I was treated, the way our memories were treated after we were gone was the best way a single person has managed to hurt me. For the record, he hurt me the most with a pain I cannot live with. With pain he just let me feel openly like I really never mattered to him. Like I was just this passing person in his life that is easily replaced. That after all that has happened, I was still deducible for him. I lost myself there. A big chunk of my esteem left me. I never felt so unwanted until then and at times, I still suffer that pain until now. I thought love meant being with the person through thick and thin but that thought was challenged when I was made to realize, through that relationship, that when people don't get what they want from you anymore, they start fading away. I never really viewed the reality of most romantic relationships that way until it was staring me at the face. People do relationships to get what they want from other people. It is really hard to fathom that.

Coupled with the pain and difficulties of moving on, appearing strong and okay, I am facing a decision that could take my life in a course I'm strongly unsure I could handle. I am in the face of entering med school even if I am not strongly decided on it. It feels like the only thing I have left to do. I prayed so long for God to pave the path I'm taking into only one direction. To cross out all the other options that are bugging my mind so that the right path may appear. I asked for signs and I prayed for God to let me know, more concretely, where I am heading. Most of those I prayed for led to entering med school. Here I am a day before my enrollment, still greatly undecided and really half-hearted in pursuing medicine. I have feel an overwhelming feeling of comfort when I feel that I don't have to enter med school but an equally overwhelming worry of "what will I do if I don't?" gets to me. I am being hit continuously at my Achilles heel here. Pursuing medicine at this time is all led my the signs I asked and being left with no other possible choice at this very moment. I am one to know that those reasons are very bad reasons for pursing med school, what with all the difficulties and sacrifices it entails. I keep on waiting for that inevitable save that comes from a force I can't control, something that would deter me from entering med school and provide a path where I should be in instead of med school. I keep waiting and asking and searching for that but nothing comes. I am really feeling hopeless. I want to trust in God. I am confused though on what He is trying to tell me. Lord please forgive me if I feel this way. I know you understand me more than I understand myself. I feel like You are thrusting me towards the medicine path and at the same time, you are giving me the power to choose. There is something that tells me that wherever I am, what career I choose, I will be okay. And right now, I feel like I don't want to take medicine anymore. If I had another choice which was equally available to me now, I feel like I would not be pursuing medicine but  something still tells me that I should try going for medicine and see where it takes me. I get so afraid putting efforts into those years of medicine when it turns out to be the wrong one. My heart is not really set on it but I feel like I was left with no choice but to do it now. I dont know where to go now. I want to trust you Lord but I don't know how to proceed on it. what to do about it. I feel so anxious now. I feel so alone in my anxiety now. I can't help but write about it and let out all my weaknesses even if I want to appear strong and okay. I am typing endlessly here, not really caring about the organization of the thoughts I write. I am just so desperate for a solution. something that would make me feel decided and whole on a decision. That is my problem, I can't find solid ground. I can't find basis for the decisions I am about to make. I lost heart. I have no clear wants. I absolutely have no idea what to do and I am really really really lost. I want to cry and scream in pain and confusion. I want to give it all up but I don't want to let God down. this is killing me now. I want some rest. Let the answers come before it is all too late please? :((((((

really too desperate now.

They say write what hurts. and for the person reading this, having known I am not totally okay, I sure hope that you find the good in you and not judge me for the weaknesses I show. Or maybe by this, a thought just got validated in you that I am no good and you made the right choice in not wanting to be with me any longer. I really would want to deviate from that. I don't want any more pain from you. But if that is how you really feel and how you think about me, a weakling with no clear direction, a force that drags people down, I would want to say I want to quite caring.

Here I am in my weakest point. I wrote about it where anyone could read it. People do fall in their lives right.  but that is not what defines them.

and in this, I fall. I admit my fall. I just have fallen.
I hope I get redeemed.
I am exhausted now. I feel like I can't do anything even though I could do something.
I am afraid of my choices and today, I just let that consume me.
I have tried to be strong, pushed myself up but right now, I just want to let my weakness embrace me. I resign on this. I don't intend to throw my life away. I think I just have had too much, enough right now.
I resign on this. I lift this all up to Him and I believe He will save me. He will.
but for now, i'm consumed. I rest.

please come. salvation and redemption. I've really grown weary of my mistakes and thoughts. I'm tired enough.