finally.

and finally, I want to say sorry
sorry for all the bad words and statements that I said
sorry for not showing enough appreciation
sorry for just upholding the fact that I did not show appreciation that much
because I am that kind of a person, a person who is not easy to please.
Sorry for not recognizing that sometimes, I needed to transcend the person that I am
inorder to make someone feel I appreciate and love them.

sorry for being a monster to you
but really, I am not.
It may be thick of me to say that
You know deep inside you that I am not a monster
that there are just things that I am that you never thought I am.

as much as it feels sucky that you felt
that you fell in love with a person who you thought I was but then wasn't
I don't want to say sorry for myself
because I showed you who I am really
and maybe just maybe, you found some joy in that at least too.

I am the person I am in front of my friends
and in front of you.
just that for you, I was all serious and different
because I valued you more, and I cared for you and for me more.
I did not feel I needed to be the best I can be to be liked or loved for the way I am.
I feel hurt for knowing you did not love me for the person who you knew when we got closer
that you only liked me for what you saw in me when I was still just a friend.

Even so, I want to say sorry for not making you feel loved at the times you needed it the most
sorry that I had so many limitations and that you had to compensate for them.
There is no denying I was happy with you and I was also sad with you.
maybe we felt that both too. bittersweet, a combination of both, everything.
we felt everything together.
we were just too caught up in the moment and forgot what really mattered.
that even though we included God in us, we never really did as much as we could.

I knew I was not enough
but then even so,
I did not deserve to be lied to
to be kept in the dark and to be betrayed and denied and deduced like that.

Im sorry, You are sorry too
we both know that we could have been better

but now we can't be better together anymore.
sorry and thank you
yes, I really loved you.

I just wanted to get that across.
no matter the situation now,
no matter how maybe it doesn't matter to you anymore.
I just want to get it across.

Amidst all the pain and how much you could not care less now,
I just want to get it across
no other reason, no other motive
its just
just so you know.

that despite the pain Ive caused you,
how much you doubted the love I feel,
how much you did not feel it,
how much it was constricted and limited and hidden,
the pain I felt at losing us,
the ways I did inorder to talk to you again,
the way I wished for one more day,
the way I cried and pined and bargained and battled with myself,
the way I deny the pain when I see your face
the way I deny reality when I'm with you,
could tell you more of what I've felt for you
than how much you perceived I ever showed.


that even in my silence, there is something you can hear from me..
something that will let you know what I thought of us after we are gone
something about how I really feel.
Its just something.
I don't expect it to ever be anything.