finally.

and finally, I want to say sorry
sorry for all the bad words and statements that I said
sorry for not showing enough appreciation
sorry for just upholding the fact that I did not show appreciation that much
because I am that kind of a person, a person who is not easy to please.
Sorry for not recognizing that sometimes, I needed to transcend the person that I am
inorder to make someone feel I appreciate and love them.

sorry for being a monster to you
but really, I am not.
It may be thick of me to say that
You know deep inside you that I am not a monster
that there are just things that I am that you never thought I am.

as much as it feels sucky that you felt
that you fell in love with a person who you thought I was but then wasn't
I don't want to say sorry for myself
because I showed you who I am really
and maybe just maybe, you found some joy in that at least too.

I am the person I am in front of my friends
and in front of you.
just that for you, I was all serious and different
because I valued you more, and I cared for you and for me more.
I did not feel I needed to be the best I can be to be liked or loved for the way I am.
I feel hurt for knowing you did not love me for the person who you knew when we got closer
that you only liked me for what you saw in me when I was still just a friend.

Even so, I want to say sorry for not making you feel loved at the times you needed it the most
sorry that I had so many limitations and that you had to compensate for them.
There is no denying I was happy with you and I was also sad with you.
maybe we felt that both too. bittersweet, a combination of both, everything.
we felt everything together.
we were just too caught up in the moment and forgot what really mattered.
that even though we included God in us, we never really did as much as we could.

I knew I was not enough
but then even so,
I did not deserve to be lied to
to be kept in the dark and to be betrayed and denied and deduced like that.

Im sorry, You are sorry too
we both know that we could have been better

but now we can't be better together anymore.
sorry and thank you
yes, I really loved you.

I just wanted to get that across.
no matter the situation now,
no matter how maybe it doesn't matter to you anymore.
I just want to get it across.

Amidst all the pain and how much you could not care less now,
I just want to get it across
no other reason, no other motive
its just
just so you know.

that despite the pain Ive caused you,
how much you doubted the love I feel,
how much you did not feel it,
how much it was constricted and limited and hidden,
the pain I felt at losing us,
the ways I did inorder to talk to you again,
the way I wished for one more day,
the way I cried and pined and bargained and battled with myself,
the way I deny the pain when I see your face
the way I deny reality when I'm with you,
could tell you more of what I've felt for you
than how much you perceived I ever showed.


that even in my silence, there is something you can hear from me..
something that will let you know what I thought of us after we are gone
something about how I really feel.
Its just something.
I don't expect it to ever be anything.

someone once told me...

Someone once told me,

Let's share the world.
A sea is for you, and waves are for me.
The sky is for you, and stars are for me.
The sun is for you, and light is for me.
Everything is for you, and you are for me.


Its sweet, endearing and sounds so much of a poet or a person dreamily in love.
I like to think that its better if this comes from a guy, a guy telling this to the girl he loves.


That someone who once told me this is the same someone who used to love me.

Then I just realize that this kind of love fades, gets old and gets depleted.
It is not an infinite resource.
It can change and it can find a new home, a new heart.

For all the moments in time that I had this someone's love,
I was stupid enough to not notice the changes that love was turning.

I was taken aback,
felt like I was just plunged into cold waters
and my back was stabbed, deliberately.

He said he did not want to hurt me,
I believed that
but then even so,
He did anyway, eventually.

and it was so cold and icy,
the way it was done.
just when I thought things were better,
I realized, I was fooling myself.

The illusion I lived and breathed in,
the comfort and wonder of his presence in my life
seems like a very distant cloud now
soon to be dissolved, in time.

All the good moments we had,
gave security that he will never ever do
what he did.
All the good moments we had,
are just memories that were buried
below the fights that we did.
All the good moments we had,
I question whether they really existed.
All the good moments we had,
was what he chose to throw away
the moment that he felt
I was a blockage to his way.
All the good moments we had,
are painful to think about
It makes me question,
what we were all about.

Sometimes I miss him, sometimes I don't
Sometimes I wish I was in his arms again
Sometimes I wish, sometimes I won't
Sometimes I just want the pain to vanish
that with pain's vanishing, so will he.

All the good moments we had,
are in the past.
I never really know if they really happened
or were they just in my head.
Cause if they did happen,
maybe this would not happen.
If we were just not meant to be,
how come it was that easy
for him to replace me.
If we were just not meant to be,
maybe this is God's way
of telling him and me.

For if I choose to make things easier now,
I would go back to him
But If I would want to make things right,
I would let go of him.
I have to live my life.
I tried to do it with you
but fate and God told me,
it was not what I should do.

For the pain I feel in losing you
For the pain I feel in letting you go
For the pain I feel in our memories that will never be again
For the pain I feel at the speed at which we were through
For the pain I feel in not having said or did enough
For the pain I feel in our moments cut short
For the pain I feel from the betrayal you made
For the pain I feel in knowing you lost me
For the pain I feel in knowing you are with someone else
For the pain I feel in feeling your distance
For the pain I feel in believing in a love that never was what I believed it to be
For the pain of neglect, ignorance, misunderstanding, miscommunication and dishonesty,
For the pain of secrets, lies, cover-ups and coldness
For all the pain I felt from you..
I just don't know,
maybe you felt them too.

For all the pain we had together
The pain of together is over now.
and I know you couldn't be much better,
you couldn't be more happier.

For there was a time you thought you can't bear it if you lost me,
but you have proven yourself wrong.
Because right now, your world could not seem much brighter and lighter,
now that I am not around.

The price you paid for holding on,
was also the price I paid for doing the same thing.

Once we were so happy,
Once we were so great,
Once we shared so much of everything
Once we had it all,
now, we have none at all.

from hero to zero
That is the story of us.

2013 was when we almost had it all
it was also the same year we finally took our fall.

so long.
nothing can change anything.

we are spilled milk.
there is no use crying over us
now that it is all behind.
and we have the present and future to look forward to.
a future where there is no US
just me and just you.

this is the moment where I let go
where memories can't bother me anymore
what is in the past, remains in the past

you were in my life.
there is just no knowing if you will ever be in it again.

thank you for all the good moments,
 thank you for the pain.
thank you for all the lessons,
the sunshine and the rain.

thank you for caring,
thank you for protecting.
thank you for ignoring
thank you for sneering.

the bondage, the baggage, the issue, the stigma
for who the person really is, what she really is like
is just a stigma
that ruined
that broke
that killed
who I was and what I am to you.

its all in our heads.