so this is today

here is for today. A blog post, purely text just like how I envisioned blogging way back when I first blogged on livejournal and friendster. I recently realized that pictures made blogs interesting and the less you write (when you just rely on pictures to speak for you) makes your post more reader friendly. Consider attention span and anonymous interest, it all makes sense right? :)

I vent out on blogging. I really did not intentionally care how much or whose attention I get by what I write, I just wanted to add an additional voice to the emotions and feelings that get all weird inside me, all those I can't tell to a close friend, a special someone or a family member. I used to think I write well but comparisons extinguished that confidence in writing I had in myself. I consider my words boring and  appealing only to the writer--who else but me. haha. sense my weakening esteem arsenal? :)

today started out with an entertaining dream. The kind of dream where everyone I know had a chance of participating.haha. It was weird, impossible and funny but somehow when I was asleep, I felt happy and waking up at 2 pm kinda proves that I had a good time. A dream with Lee Min Ho, Park Min Young, a hotel, party, highschool people and spontaneous characters all mixed up in settings from Korea, to our gate to a vintage and expensive looking hotel where we all had a room to ourselves and I can't find where mine was. :)

waking up at 2pm spikes you out of bed and thinking like crazy why you did not wake up in the morning, even in the late morning in my case. Ate, took a bath and went out to see Rijel, go to mass, eat and talk with the limited time in the afternoon before my night classes started. For the fraction of time I spent preparing and eating late lunch with Papa, I started feeling guilty at how I spend so little time in the house at times when it was his day off and he usually stayed all day doing DIY stuffs at home. Guilt at the fact that once I come home, I wont be eating dinner with them since my classes coincided with dinner time and while they were eating, I am facing my computer, talking to foreigners and missing what should be an everyday family event.  YOu've caught me now, lashing out on what cuts my heart straight across. Guilt and inevitable sadness at how Papa endlessly calls us to eat dinner even if he knows we cant since we have to do something. oh, kill me. I am crying right now. Guilt at how I still have classes and he needs to go to sleep. Guilt at the fact that this day, we spent so little time together. I suddenly realize how the usual home scenario looks now: children in front of the computer, seemingly pouring their whole life to what keeps them staring on the computer/laptop screen, clad with headphones keeping any sound from the environment completely unheard. Less family time and more computer time. that sucks right? Even I, guilty as I am right now, knows that and feels the gravity of how much technology voids us from things that matter the most. With a world that requires perfection, time and effort on work and professionalism, family becomes a second option for most. Money makes the world go round eh?

guilt feeling #2: My tito from abroad came back to the Philippines days ago and he is here, with my mom and other aunts at BAguio and I did not even make an effort to see them with him. I am just waiting for their call if we were to meet and spend some time together. I believe that despite being shy, having that initiative would be better, even if it was unrequited. funny how I am aware of all these things and I still chose to stay where I am now, just writing it all out and not doing anything about it. I hope my heart was just as agile and creative as my brain is when I think about so many things. #haaaaay.

congratulations if you reached this point of my post. haha :)

I felt like blogging before I open the television and watch before I sleep. A usual routine I have these days. Classes-surf the internet-check online shops-read blogs-eat dinner-watch-chat (occasionally)-sleep :) dinner time has been at 12am usually, for me that is.

So today, I went out with Rijel. saw each other at Church, during which I was momentarily pissed at him for some very petty things where I was really annoyed. It took silent and distant moments before he came around, grabbed my waist and ushered me closer. That time, I was letting time get away with the bad feeling I had and I was endlessly saying sorry to God for feeling that way and not being able to listen to His word while I was at church. oh, it was incredibly windy today. wala lang :)

after church, we went and ate at Cucinino where we ordered our usuals, FGS, aglio olio (a pasta where we were both intrigued in), pomodoro (rijel's favorite in the making), bratwurst sausage and iced tea. We were always satisfied eating at Cucinino and while we wish that they had new items on their menu, we always end up wanting and craving for their food at various moments in time.haha :)

off to meet lerry, cham and mel at Saint Cafe in SM Baguio. They all finished their expensive lipton tea and we went there and shared the same experience with them that the place sucked in service and it was not at all customer friendly. Cham even said that the place was crossed out from her list. haha :) The lady waitress/manager/unknown position looked like a monster with craters in the face. she was standing there, condescendingly looking at us, most probably waiting for us to leave even if the cafe was an inch close to EMPTY. haha ;p Never going to Saint Cafe again.

I was running late for class and since my laptop decided to fail me this time, I had to switch to cables instead of the usual wifi and I was late for 30 minutes waiting for skype to log me in. Smooth classes tonight and I was thankful for that. While waiting for the 1030 class, papa, paul and me shared what remained of the fresh fruit salad papa made this morning. Salad with melons and strawberries-- not your usual fruit cocktail salad which is a huge plus plus!! :)

After class and the internet reading I was fond of, I came to eat dinner. the walk from our living space to the kitchen made me realize that I was afraid of the days to come when Rijel is already at far away Pangasinan and he will not be a text away anymore. Our everyday rendezvous would be greatly reduced to a once or twice a month thing. No more having the luxury of time, spending hours walking and eating outside, cooking at home and all the things we used to do with the free time we had a bunch of. There was this great sinking feeling while I was getting rice from the rice cooker to getting reheated chicken in the oven to sitting in the sofa and eating dinner. I got a feeling of how it would feel if Rijel wasn't around Baguio City anymore. Of how empty those days would seem and how I would return to my usual alone strolls or occasional outings with friends where happiness seemed near superficial only.. For one thing, his going away is a good thing as I can focus on my own self, think about my days, what I will do with my life and start moving about. I had this realization that going out with Rijel gave meaning to my days, where I wasn't worried of how or what use that day would be to me. Having that meaning almost made me forget that I needed to catch up with my life and start doing something for my future. I was caught up and Rijel if you are reading this right now, I hope you wont connote this negatively or think of how pathetic I am. In a few days,  you'll be close to being unavailable and I can't help but cry even If I am less than a step away from my brother. Its hard to think about the thought that you will go and that will happen in less that 72 hours already. I will definitely miss you being here and though I know it is completely hopeless, I would still tell you not to go. On a lighter note, God has His plans. His plans are always better than we consider and can conceive as best. Let us trust in His plans even if we are afraid.

*thoughts on friends: I never really realized  how superficial friendship was until I reached this stage where common ground seems to be the strongest factor keeping friendship together. There was no friendship like what you see in movies where crappy as your friend maybe, you know her that way and you celebrate your differences in knowing each other so well, no negative feelings and speculations arise once backs are turned. well. this feeling is still up for revisions anyway.

while walking in line, waiting to receive communion at church today, a thought came to me: Even at this moment where we are leading different lives, away from each other, someday, one day, we will still smile and be happy together. For now, let us go on with our lives and go with the flow. this moment is tantamount to a movie scene you know, in my head.haha :)

oh and yeah, welcome to a new puppy at home. I first thought it was a cat as there was this fuggly white and black animal on the floor the moment I came in from the door. haha. You will be sleeping  in a basket with old rags tonight at the comfort of Charis' bedroom.haha. welcome to our home dear puppy (to be named.haha)

well. that is today. :) I gotta go and pee, wash my face and watch TV. Thank you Lord for these days. really. thank you. :)