insecurity.

now playing: Hot Stuff by Davichi.

This upbeat song made me realize that I was drowning myself in insecurity and impatience earlier tonight.

Insecurity makes me fight for no apparent reason and it makes me defend myself when I don't need defending at all.
Insecurity makes me say sorry and retract even if I know I should not be sorry.
Insecurity unlocks my sarcasm and unleashes it wide open.
Insecurity eats out my confidence like I didn't know confidence existed at all.
Insecurity crumbles out my heart until I finally let myself rot in buckets of negativity.
Insecurity makes me push people away.
Insecurity makes lowering myself habitual and it makes me forget that I am a person with capabilities.

I realized that all again tonight as I chose to put on my headphones, go to youtube and close my ears to the gossip and things  I did not want to hear.
I was escaping and in that escape, an upbeat song turned the tables almost instantly. made me ask myself, 'why not confidence'? :)

I was easily pissed at my students tonight for not getting the lesson easily. I was silently pissed at how I have to say the same thing in different ways over and over again. I know my impatience resounded in my tone of voice as it rose higher and higher. thankfully, it still obliged to my control.
I almost screamed at my mom.
I almost fought with someone again.

regaining a positive note made me vent it out in this post even if I am pressured as hell to study right now.

sheesh. the amount of pressure I put on myself to do something I am not doing right now mounds on and I am seriously worrying and hating myself right now.

If I could just spit myself out, I would.
but since that could not happen, I am grateful.
I know I would regret that in the end.

Just a round of a few more upbeat songs and I will be fine :)
Lord please have mercy and fill my brain with wisdom.  Let me have those agile and efficient braincells again to ace this exam.

I never worry about exams. I just give in to the pressure.

some wisdom :)

feel free & spread your arms wide open. feel the wind on your face and bask in God's love :)

this is true. Pushing on, moving forward gives you a sense of well-being :)

an important reminder, too hard to follow but not even near impossible. :)

choose to be happy. We may always need reminding. Yes we do.

Its a never ending reminder that one should never forget :)

be strong :)

that is an order.  A loving order :)

define yourself.

Find your way FROM being lost.

even if you're alone at it.

even if all your friends go in the different direction

what's for them isn't always for you

&

what's for you isn't always for them too.

be pushed by your problems TO try harder

in getting your goals and dreams.

Problems are not meant to wear you down.

as an ulterior motive, they are meant to catapult you UP :)

& that nothing at all would matter without the people you love and the people who love you. Nothing would matter more than your God given family :)

(Lee family Christmas 2009)

we would all be non existent if God did not make it all possible :)

He is everything :)

images from weheartit.com

LOVE,