why can't you get a clue.
he wants nothing to do with you.
his feelings, they have a due
now they're done,
finished with you.
there is nothing more that he wants
he just wants to be away from you
He might be having a swell time
talking to someone else
Feeling the attraction burn
and the pain fade
because to him memories are just memories
and he's just grateful for the memories
there's nothing more to it than that
You are nothing more to him, than that.
Monday, October 31
Me and My inability to get a clue
It's November once again and I just have one nagging thought to share:
I DON'T want to be sad on my birthday.
I still remember that year when somebody broke my heart at the start of this month. It casted a fear inside me, made me a little bit more conscious on the condition of my heart as this month approaches.
Now, I say hello to that old fear once again.
My heart is yet again, broken.
Crushed, Broken
Torn, Broken
Thrown, Broken
Rejected, Broken
Abandoned, Broken
No other word but BROKEN.
Full of pain.
I have been wishing and praying for weeks now
Please, let me not be sad on my birthday :(
I know better than to expect something
but I can't tame my heart that keeps expecting
I can't tame it as it sets me up for possible disappointment, for a bigger outflow of tears
For crushing pain I'll have to make an effort to hide.
So how come I still can't get a clue?
Maybe of disbelief, maybe of denial, maybe of plain stupidity, maybe because I believed in lies and maybe because of my guilty heart, who, despite everything, keeps beating for the person who smahed it. Damn these feelings.
There were a lot of clues set infront of your nose.
You felt hurt the way people hurt because someone doesn't like them.
Worse if you add the word "anymore".
Anymore.
You came from a place of love only to wake up the next morning and feel it all lost.
There is something more painful in that, compared no never feeling any love or connection from the very start.
That is where the difference lies. the difference between the pain of unrequited love and a love lost.
You got lost and accustomed to living life with this person feeling love, cherished, cared for and you wake up to a day when its all gone and he treats you coldly.. that unintentional as he might seem to be, you notice even the smallest of differences. You feel and notice and get hurt by the very small differences even when he tells you its nothing. There is a stark difference, even in the small things.
you feel it. and yet ms. lee, you seem to deny it even more. Your mind knows it and your heart, stubborn, guilty, sinful, refuses to follow.
Even if you feel your heart burn, your eyes drip wet with tears you can't control, you still choose him each and every day. You try to see or look for a sliver of love, fueled by the good memories, you try to see the good in him.. and what happens is he only gets a lot more harsher, cruel.. he breaks your heart more and more.
Isn't it plain stupidity, how you can't get a clue paye?
He was this guy who seemed to be inseparable from you. Stuck to you like glue. Went with you in the most petty and trivial things you can handle alone. Never wanted to leave your side. Always there at your beck and call. Replies instantaneously fast. Always there, always available. Bugs you if he can't reach you, not content if you don't reply. Does anything just to see you. Always wanted to talk to you. Gives up time he has for others to spend it with you even if you are always together. Never wants to go home if he is with you. Always puts you first. Persistent through all the times you rejected him, and said "no we can't be together".. Showed persistence that he really feels something for you because its a feeling he can't fight even if you already said no and made him cry. An extremely jealous guy who never wanted any inch of you to be a part of any other guy's existence, let alone a small friendly conversation. He told me countless times that he didn't want to lose me, and he didn't lack showing that as well.
And then one day, when we're already out of that limbo, when my heart is already set on him, he started to reply less. reply longer. Says he cares but its only up to those words. He has less time for you. Never asks you to go out. I had to beg for time to see him and when that day came, it didn't even last for more than 2 hours of being together, he already asks if we can already leave so he can meet his brother. and he didn't ask once, he kept asking to go home if there's nowhere else we'll go.
Whats worse is his face, his reaction, the way he looked pained, hesitant and tortured to be with me. the way he frowned and squirmed when I ask him for more time together. The way he doesn't move around when we're together and the way he just lets everything slide. The way he would walk farther away first instead of waiting for me so we can walk side by side together. The loose hugs, uncomfortable pats on the back, hesitant touches, avoidant eyes. They all broke my heart to immeasurable pieces and I can't speak of how much painful it is to feel those, after all.
The same person who would leave any event he is in just so I won't go home alone is now the same person who drove past by me as I waited for a ride home, alone in a dark place, like I didn't see him, and worst of all, like he didnt even know me.
The same person who was adamant not to let other guys come near me is the very person pushing me to them. Telling me "you should find someone better" telling another person "ihatid at samahan mo na sia please para makaalis na tayo" infront of my face. The same person who told me "okay lang kung dun ka masaya" when asked if " is it okay if I date other guys na?". Knowing the person he was when he still felt something for me, he would flatly say no.
The same person who chose to be with me at every situation is the same person who ignored me, the same person who doesn't reply to my messages anymore, the same person who smiles with others yet frowns at me. The same person who said he is happier with others because "there is nothing better with you"
"there is nothing better with you"
"there is nothing better with you"
"there is nothing better with you"
I believe I hurt him a lot of times but comparing those with hearing those words directly from him, I don't know what hurts more. Being told this by a person whom you thought really loved you beyond infatuation, beyond young superficial attraction, beyond the confines of the expectations of an adolescent relationship.
Feeling all of these,
Could you blame me if I already feel unloved?
In a stark contrast from how he has been to me in the past and the way he is to me at present,
Could I still believe that he loves me still?
In a spur of emotions, I told him "just tell me if you dont love me already"
he just said "edi hindi"
shorter than a moment, my world crumbled and I felt like he valued me less than a thing.
Again, after all.
So why is it, do I find it hard to get a clue?
get a clue that he already lost interest in me
that he doesn't love me beyond romance
that he doesn't want me anymore
in essence, he wants nothing to do with me anymore.
in essence, he would rather live now without me in his life.
why? because he said he still had feelings, he didnt fall out of love
and as much as those clues tell the truth, there is another truth I would want to believe
Another truth that my heart wants to live with,
the truth that is farther from reality.
He doesn't love me anymore or It isn't real love. that is what it all says.
He has someone new. Someone who stimulates him and he wants to pursue that, and not you.
I fought for those statements to be proved untrue
but constant "i love yous" being replied with "thank yous" and mere absence, ignorance and neglect
all the more tell me, he doesn't love you anymore.
I know him to be someone to operate on his feelings, no matter what hardship he is going through.
If he feels something for you, he will be there.
But now he's not.
thats enough to tell any rational person of the real truth
but it comes so hard for me.
this is killing me.
inch by inch, day by day.
as I see him live okay without me.
as I see him live by his choice to let me go, drop me down, cut me loose.
Now all I'm looking for is the freedom which comes from the real truth
Not the truth that he wants me to believe.
He doesnt love me anymore
and when people feel that, they leave
not caring about what the past meant.
He doesn't love me ANYMORE
He wants nothing to do with me.
and we never talk anymore.
I guess thats how we will be forever.
Its something that I must will to accept day by day.
He is content with his freedom away from me
because if he wanted to be with me, He would.
but he isnt here, so he doesn't.
No strong feeling of love reigns over his heart anymore.
and right now, to him, Im just another person who passed by.
this time with a person had been the shortest for me and its hard for me to make sense of it.
but he left me here and he broke all the promises we made.
he'd rather leave me alone in the dark than talk to me.
there's just no way he could love me still that way.
he totally ignores me now.
so why the hell can't I get a clue still?
these feelings, I want them to burn.
I want to be free.
I want to love and be loved genuinely.
I hate being in this place.
Please take the pain away now.
Please.
I DON'T want to be sad on my birthday.
I still remember that year when somebody broke my heart at the start of this month. It casted a fear inside me, made me a little bit more conscious on the condition of my heart as this month approaches.
Now, I say hello to that old fear once again.
My heart is yet again, broken.
Crushed, Broken
Torn, Broken
Thrown, Broken
Rejected, Broken
Abandoned, Broken
No other word but BROKEN.
Full of pain.
I have been wishing and praying for weeks now
Please, let me not be sad on my birthday :(
I know better than to expect something
but I can't tame my heart that keeps expecting
I can't tame it as it sets me up for possible disappointment, for a bigger outflow of tears
For crushing pain I'll have to make an effort to hide.
So how come I still can't get a clue?
Maybe of disbelief, maybe of denial, maybe of plain stupidity, maybe because I believed in lies and maybe because of my guilty heart, who, despite everything, keeps beating for the person who smahed it. Damn these feelings.
There were a lot of clues set infront of your nose.
You felt hurt the way people hurt because someone doesn't like them.
Worse if you add the word "anymore".
Anymore.
You came from a place of love only to wake up the next morning and feel it all lost.
There is something more painful in that, compared no never feeling any love or connection from the very start.
That is where the difference lies. the difference between the pain of unrequited love and a love lost.
You got lost and accustomed to living life with this person feeling love, cherished, cared for and you wake up to a day when its all gone and he treats you coldly.. that unintentional as he might seem to be, you notice even the smallest of differences. You feel and notice and get hurt by the very small differences even when he tells you its nothing. There is a stark difference, even in the small things.
you feel it. and yet ms. lee, you seem to deny it even more. Your mind knows it and your heart, stubborn, guilty, sinful, refuses to follow.
Even if you feel your heart burn, your eyes drip wet with tears you can't control, you still choose him each and every day. You try to see or look for a sliver of love, fueled by the good memories, you try to see the good in him.. and what happens is he only gets a lot more harsher, cruel.. he breaks your heart more and more.
Isn't it plain stupidity, how you can't get a clue paye?
He was this guy who seemed to be inseparable from you. Stuck to you like glue. Went with you in the most petty and trivial things you can handle alone. Never wanted to leave your side. Always there at your beck and call. Replies instantaneously fast. Always there, always available. Bugs you if he can't reach you, not content if you don't reply. Does anything just to see you. Always wanted to talk to you. Gives up time he has for others to spend it with you even if you are always together. Never wants to go home if he is with you. Always puts you first. Persistent through all the times you rejected him, and said "no we can't be together".. Showed persistence that he really feels something for you because its a feeling he can't fight even if you already said no and made him cry. An extremely jealous guy who never wanted any inch of you to be a part of any other guy's existence, let alone a small friendly conversation. He told me countless times that he didn't want to lose me, and he didn't lack showing that as well.
And then one day, when we're already out of that limbo, when my heart is already set on him, he started to reply less. reply longer. Says he cares but its only up to those words. He has less time for you. Never asks you to go out. I had to beg for time to see him and when that day came, it didn't even last for more than 2 hours of being together, he already asks if we can already leave so he can meet his brother. and he didn't ask once, he kept asking to go home if there's nowhere else we'll go.
Whats worse is his face, his reaction, the way he looked pained, hesitant and tortured to be with me. the way he frowned and squirmed when I ask him for more time together. The way he doesn't move around when we're together and the way he just lets everything slide. The way he would walk farther away first instead of waiting for me so we can walk side by side together. The loose hugs, uncomfortable pats on the back, hesitant touches, avoidant eyes. They all broke my heart to immeasurable pieces and I can't speak of how much painful it is to feel those, after all.
The same person who would leave any event he is in just so I won't go home alone is now the same person who drove past by me as I waited for a ride home, alone in a dark place, like I didn't see him, and worst of all, like he didnt even know me.
The same person who was adamant not to let other guys come near me is the very person pushing me to them. Telling me "you should find someone better" telling another person "ihatid at samahan mo na sia please para makaalis na tayo" infront of my face. The same person who told me "okay lang kung dun ka masaya" when asked if " is it okay if I date other guys na?". Knowing the person he was when he still felt something for me, he would flatly say no.
The same person who chose to be with me at every situation is the same person who ignored me, the same person who doesn't reply to my messages anymore, the same person who smiles with others yet frowns at me. The same person who said he is happier with others because "there is nothing better with you"
"there is nothing better with you"
"there is nothing better with you"
"there is nothing better with you"
I believe I hurt him a lot of times but comparing those with hearing those words directly from him, I don't know what hurts more. Being told this by a person whom you thought really loved you beyond infatuation, beyond young superficial attraction, beyond the confines of the expectations of an adolescent relationship.
Feeling all of these,
Could you blame me if I already feel unloved?
In a stark contrast from how he has been to me in the past and the way he is to me at present,
Could I still believe that he loves me still?
In a spur of emotions, I told him "just tell me if you dont love me already"
he just said "edi hindi"
shorter than a moment, my world crumbled and I felt like he valued me less than a thing.
Again, after all.
So why is it, do I find it hard to get a clue?
get a clue that he already lost interest in me
that he doesn't love me beyond romance
that he doesn't want me anymore
in essence, he wants nothing to do with me anymore.
in essence, he would rather live now without me in his life.
why? because he said he still had feelings, he didnt fall out of love
and as much as those clues tell the truth, there is another truth I would want to believe
Another truth that my heart wants to live with,
the truth that is farther from reality.
He doesn't love me anymore or It isn't real love. that is what it all says.
He has someone new. Someone who stimulates him and he wants to pursue that, and not you.
I fought for those statements to be proved untrue
but constant "i love yous" being replied with "thank yous" and mere absence, ignorance and neglect
all the more tell me, he doesn't love you anymore.
I know him to be someone to operate on his feelings, no matter what hardship he is going through.
If he feels something for you, he will be there.
But now he's not.
thats enough to tell any rational person of the real truth
but it comes so hard for me.
this is killing me.
inch by inch, day by day.
as I see him live okay without me.
as I see him live by his choice to let me go, drop me down, cut me loose.
Now all I'm looking for is the freedom which comes from the real truth
Not the truth that he wants me to believe.
He doesnt love me anymore
and when people feel that, they leave
not caring about what the past meant.
He doesn't love me ANYMORE
He wants nothing to do with me.
and we never talk anymore.
I guess thats how we will be forever.
Its something that I must will to accept day by day.
He is content with his freedom away from me
because if he wanted to be with me, He would.
but he isnt here, so he doesn't.
No strong feeling of love reigns over his heart anymore.
and right now, to him, Im just another person who passed by.
this time with a person had been the shortest for me and its hard for me to make sense of it.
but he left me here and he broke all the promises we made.
he'd rather leave me alone in the dark than talk to me.
there's just no way he could love me still that way.
he totally ignores me now.
so why the hell can't I get a clue still?
these feelings, I want them to burn.
I want to be free.
I want to love and be loved genuinely.
I hate being in this place.
Please take the pain away now.
Please.
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