This post has no particular emphasis on grammar and spelling and all the proper writing stuff. this is just an outpour of emotions from a person who was told to express her feelings at 3:00 AM.
sabi nila kahit aware na ung utak mo, your heart still has troubles accepting what your mind already knows.
bakit nga ba, I'm greatly aware of it, had the thing slapped to my very face by the very person but still, at times, parang ang hirap parin mag sink in.
I don't understand the way I feel sometimes. PUSH and PULL like how I knew it will be, from the very start.
Sometimes I feel at peace. Sometimes, the dormant aches in my heart are awakened and I feel them again so raw, deep and really searing.
Sabi ko sa sarili ko, alam ko ako nalang nakakaramdam ng ganito. I look around at people, they look happy while I have this very deep painful feeling inside my heart. Parang ako lang yung nasaktan.
yes. parang ako nga lang talaga ung nasaktan. It sucks to feel that way. To feel worthless after all the memories. After all that has happened.
Okay naman na ako eh. I don't know why the pain keeps coming back. Maybe because, the redemption or justice or explanations my heart has been seeking isn't given yet.
Minsan I feel like, okay. kaya ko na maging mabait. deal with it like nothing bad happened and that I got past the pain and hurt na. Like I could go on praying for your wellbeing and happiness and safety without feeling guilt and without feeling like I'm cheating myself or putting myself down. Pero when I see a single picture, a single object, a single word that symbolizes the pain you caused me, all the hate keeps rushing through my heart like a visitor that didn't even need permission. I feel awashed with pain and hurt and overwhelming rage na I just want to punch that screen facing me. just to release my anger.
This is raw eh. I've gotten past the pain of not being with you but the pain which comes from what you did to me and you being with that person is a totally different subject. Moreso the pain which comes from how well you managed to show and make it seem like our years together (or what you may wish to call it) was nothing at all. what with the shirt incident, the span of time it took you to transfer the same kind (or greater kind of) affection you used to give to me to someone else. Makes it really valid that the two of you had something going on while I was still hanging around your life. That even for you, its hard (and maybe you don't want to) to even admit that you liked her all along, while there was still something between us. and that you just merely waited for me to be the one to end whatever we could call as US. You see, that morning at Mcdo, when I was talking to you, when I was telling you of the pain I feel (the worst kind of pain you ever let me feel), you were there, super calm, giving little explanation and easy peasy No's and all. I know you knew where that talk was heading and when I told you that things between us couldn't be anymore, its as if your face momentarily shone and you quickly changed it to adapt and try to be sensitive to the situation. where maybe deep inside, you felt the instantaneous joy for freedom your heart has been seeking. for ultimate, guilt-less, no worries kind of freedom your heart has been seeking to finally bare your attention and feelings to another person you have been secretly liking.
You see, after all we have been through, from the very start to the uphill and downhill journey or our so called relationship up to its demise, at that moment when I told you we're through (like we had something to finish), it felt as though, it all came easy to you, to accept in a matter of 3-5 days that we are gone. I am gone from your life, FOREVER. Like for you, losing me was a great relief, a great burden lifted off your shoulders and you couldn't wait to spend more time to the other person your emotions has been screaming for.
In short, what hurts like hell is that AFTER ALL, for that kulang kulang na 4-5 years (not quite sure) of memories, with me, our friends, my family, I was just nothing to you.
Kasi ba meron na agad iba, kaya ganoon nalang kadali mawalan ng value sayo ang taong ilang taon mo rin kausap at halos kasama lagi?
the foolish part of it was, I never saw this coming from you. I told you over and over again. I knew you as a friend. highschool palang kilala na kita. Even for a person with severe trust issues like me, I never even had the smallest, slightest doubt on you. I thought, without any questions, hesitations and misgivings, I could trust you. I did not condition my mind to think that way. My heart and my mind just processed that naturally. I had my full trust on you. I had that full trust in that foundation on how I knew you as a friend and all. You knew my past story. You knew a lot, almost all of my weaknesses, flaws, insecurities and vulnerabilities. I was really an open book to you and all of it was because of that very strong trust. Tapos, sa huli, kung kelan, I feel like we are going on to something better, it all came falling apart. The very big trust I had in you, you broke it, without me realizing, starting at a very early point. Like you had this big rock to crumble and what you had in hand was only a small chisel and a hammer and you broke the rock in pieces, everyday, with the beginning going unnoticed until the chip was very big already, it is unnoticeable already from the bed of stones from which it originally was built with. ang sakit lang talga.
The very person I trusted with myself bare and raw was the same person who dropped me like I was some hot mouthful of food that was immediately spit out.
I keep looking for answers WHY did you have to do that to me?
If its because the pain I've caused you, then where the hell is your integrity and what is that love you call to throw me stones bigger in vengeance for what I did not intentionally throw at you?
How could you do that to me? Up until now, I feel like I still don't know the truth. Like there are still things you have not told me. I know we are not anything anymore. Yes I am greatly aware of that. I JUST WANT FITTING ANSWERS. MY HEART HAS OVERFLOWING QUESTIONS. Questions that you may think "nasagot ko naman na" pero prang di kasi sapat o tumutugma. Like how they say the truth was like lock and key. to my question, you have given keys of answers but none of them still perfectly fits.
If I have to look like a loser for still feeling this way after all the time we spent apart, I mean come on, you have been in another relationship after me, then go think that way. I dont consider myself a loser anyhow. I'm just being true to what I feel and besides, I want to make it a point that the pain, the heartbreak that I went through at our end, was a lot different from any pain you may have felt. assuming you felt any pain at all. I had the pain worse than you did. I was the receiving end of the heartbreak from the end of us. Sa huli, ako ung nasaktan. You may have understood that and considered that so I hope, the truth comes out now.
You may have forgotten all about me, gotten to that stage where you don't even feel affected anymore by what I say, do or what but hey, I just want answers.
I want my peace so I want to demand answers.
This just goes to show how much our past meant to me. or how much you meant to me. How much pain I'm feeling especially when its triggered.
At times, I really wish you well. feel no hate for you like everything is already healed but then I see images of you and her. see images of her and then im reminded of the pain all over again.
As for you, you may not understand that, and think of it in a petty way, how I could dislike someone or something so much. but think of it as a living reminder of how much pain I went through and still go through for what happened and how they happened. masakit talaga eh. sometimes I feel, I never knew, I could feel this much dislike for a person.
Imagine, sa huling araw na makikita at makakasama mo ako as someone that supposed to mean so much to you, inayawan mo pa at sadyang parang ordinaryong araw lang na kelangan mong magtrabaho. Somehow nagexpect rin naman ako ng malaking pagpapahalaga galing sayo.. na alam ko mahirap. halos di mo maiwan trabaho mo pero un na ung araw na huli na natin eh. tapos ganun nalang.oo, nalate ka na nga. pero diba diba, kung mahalaga talaga ung tao sayo, tapos mawawala na siya sa buhay mo sa araw na un, ganon ba ang gagawin mo? hindi mo ba pipiliin na pahabain ung oras na kasama at kausap sia kasi un na ang huli? hindi ganon ang nangyari eh kaya nadadagdagan na lang tlga ng proof na hindi na nga ako ganon kaimportante sayo. nagtuloy tuloy na un. epitome, yung t-shirt talga. low blow na talga un at deserve mo narin tlga na masampal dahil dun kahit sabihin mo pa na wala akong karapatan to do that. well kasi, its all disrespect, insult, deliberate offense and outright showing of worthless all rolled into one. Ilang linggo lang un na kakawala lang natin, ganon na kawalang importansya agad ako para sayo. prang it goes to show lang, matagal na akong walang halaga para sayo. Tapos hindi ko man lang naramdaman or nakita un? magaling ka lang ba talagang umarte at magturn ng tables o sadyang ganon lang tlaga kalaki ung tiwala ko sayo? tiwala na hindi na pla dapat. betrayal at its finest talga. sabihin mo mang wala naman outright na third party pero patong patong na kasinungalingan tska ung pinakamasakit eh, ako, nilaglag mo ako and you trash talked me, to other people, to your women friends pa for that matter. I mean what was I to you for you to be able to tell other people those stuff, in direct reference to me? Diba. un ung masakit dun eh. ung taong akala at alam mo na may malaking pagmamahal at pagpapahalaga sayo, magkalayo man kayo, ung taong ipagtatanggol ka sa harap ng ibang tao, ung taong hindi magsasabi ng kahit anong masamang bagay in describing you or anything related to you kahit sa mga kaibigan nia, that very person you trusted so much to uphold you, your image and your wellbeing in front of other people, the person you trusted with all your weaknesses and the bare you, good and bad without any hesitation, full of trust that he won't use your weaknesses against you. Those things that I thought you would do, uphold me and all, was the exact opposite of what you did. Nilaglag mo ako sa isang babae pa. nothing could ever destroy my trust in you greater than that. aside from all the lies and the things kept.
If I could not stress it enough, aun na ako eh, super open sayo. I have no guards on myself when with you,. You know everything or almost everything about me and I was sure you would take of that. but you just dropped me like a hot potato.
feels so bad, and really a bad blow to the ego to have someone mean so much to you, hurt you and do actions that speak that you don't mean that much. that you were just a girl. relationships that friends love to talk and criticize especially when they dont know the person. Feels so bad, to be greatly loyal to someone, to have upholded someone even in the midst of looking bad or pathetic, hindi lang mabahiran ung image mo sa mga taong mas close ko or sa mga taong di ka kilala..tapos hindi pala ganon ang gingawa sayo. masaklap eh, sa side nia, ikaw pa ung nagmumukang katawa tawa sinasabihan ng "ano ba yan" and there you are, just enjoying the conversation and good rub to your male ego the emphasis, that yes, they are on your side.
ang hirap lang isipin, pag kaharap ako parang ang bait bait mo saakin. pala, pag magkalayo, kung pwedeng mapagusapan, maikwento ung mga pangit na bagay, maging conversation piece na pwedeng maging butt ng jokes, criticism o asaran.. go lang. kasi siguro asa isip mo, hindi ko naman malalaman. grabe. I feel super fooled and used at yes, fooled right under my nose.
It hurts even more to imagine what kind of jokes or things you and the people you talk with come up when its your relation with me you speak of.
masakit talga. you, know very well how I get affected by what people think of me and while you might have had the intention to stir me off that, you should have understood that I am a person and that may have been one of the weaknesses I have. You don't have to desensitize it. If you really cared about me, you should have even protected me from what other people might say badly of me because of what you tell them. kahit pa friends mo sila. Pero eto naman ako eh dapat ganyan dapat ganito. eh pano naman kasi talga kung hindi ako ganon kahalaga sayo for you to protect me from the bad thoughts and half meant jokes of other people I dont even know.
hirap lang talga tanggapin. Di ko inexpect na ikaw ung gagawa ng gnyang bagay. About backstabbing, well that is what you did to me. You hurt me while I had my back turned with the hopes that I will never find out. How could you love me that way?
I want to really know. honestly. honestly. (dont think about looking bad, if ever you answer me no),
did you really love me? were those I love you's real? or were they just the thing to say for that infatuation or attraction you once felt for me?
please let me be at peace. tell me if you really honestly, from the bottom of your heart, love me?
I'd rather hear the truth even if it really really really really really hurts.
In the depths of my heart, I still care for you. sometimes I think about wanting to be with you again. if not for all the pain I feel from what you did. There is still love I feel for you even if I know we can never be again. The pain you caused is really big and it hurts so much,,I feel like being stabbed at the middle of my chest for a hundred times over and over again.
Sana, kung mabasa mo man ito, hindi mo ipagwalang bahala like those ruthless people who just laugh and get a swollen ego from knowing that someone cares for them that much when they dont even care for the person at all.
Im still looking for redemption from the pain you left with me.
I just hope, somewhere in your mind and heart, there is still this *i*** that I knew who was a good, kind hearted boy, someone who would never attempt to play and cheat with a girl's heart, as I knew you used to be.
someone who would not lie and act and cheat just for his own benefit and try to keep the dirt to keep the trail clean and spotless.
Appealing to that good natured and honest and sincere and kind and childlike person you once were, I hope it doesn't mean nothing to you that YOU have broken the heart of someone who was once a friend, who trusted you with all her heart and gave you lots of chances just because, she trusted you that much. Someone, who doesn't deserve any of the pain you caused her. Someone who is not just some girl. Because I am not just some girl and even if you feel that way, I want to tell you, you are wrong.
You meant so much to me. You stilll mean something to me. I just wonder, how little I could have meant to you. to break me the way you did. Seeing it as such, it is not enough reason to do that just because of how bad our unlabeled relationship with each other was going. doing wrong, cheating and lying is always a conscious choice.
too painful. to be the only one who feels this way. to be the only one who still feels pain after months of being apart. after months of having a lot of different life events take place. Its really too painful and hard to forget.
haay.
