I've lived in a lie without even realizing it.
I believed this person so much, so comfortably that I didn't know I was just being fooled.
I was made to only know the bright side of the matter
and when I knew all the dark that there was to it,
I feel like all along, all the words, moments, confessions were hollow and empty.
they are all lies.
coated to conceal.
and knowing those was like brutally pulling the closing wound open again and again.
and as if it was not enough, acid was poured on it like it was never really able to feel.
hurting someone without any regard, remorse or any ounce of care
is just tantamount to saying, with all the force one could muster, that
indeed, everything was just one messed up LIE made to lead the other person on.
It was an ending to a relationship without any redemption.
a betrayal to a friendship that is left lying in the corner, seemingly being observed if it can resuscitate itself.
just observing, doing nothing.
after all those times, after everything had ended, I still kept on believing what you had to say.
and even then, you just kept lying and keeping.
its right, I really don't matter to you.
and maybe that was how it was for a very long time when I even felt that nothing was wrong.
After everything, what you chose is to throw it all away.
no us. no nothing. no friendship.
I AM DONE BELIEVING YOU.
Go and find where your INTEGRITY went when it left you.
if it ever was in you.
I hope you find it.
You've caused too much pain and it seems like you don't even care about it.
Funny how years could lose meaning like they never really happened.
As difficult as it would be,
I would just make myself believe that they never really happened.
and I never knew a person with your name.
That despite the pain being alive inside of me,
I would choose to believe that nothing significant has ever happened.
If I still do, it would not make any sense how they could have happened with what is happening now.
I tried to save what may remain.
Tried to catch and hold on to the good that we had
to see each other as friends still
to be in good terms after we part and live separate lives
but seeing as how you don't give a damn about how I would even feel,
and not caring if it can hurt or not
makes it really difficult
to be okay with you
ever again.
I may not know everything.
but I have a right to what I feel
and I don't deserve to be lied to
to be kept in the shadows
to be made to believe that everything is good
when they are not.
You don't take me as a fool.
From the very start, you knew where you and I stood.
I was never just a person you just knew.
For what its' worth, I was a friend
and you knew me.
I don't deserve to be thrown like a rag when its all ratty and old.
Sorry. I tried my best to be okay.
to find and hold on to the good stuff.
but its too much indiscretion and pain and insensitivity
to even fathom being ok with you still.
at least what is true, at the present, has unraveled just before my very eyes.
and though the truth hurts
at least its the truth.
redemption?
I'll keep the lines open but I won't wait on it.
Thank you for showing me how much I'm worth.
that no action or word from you
could ever sum or define me.
an immature boost to the ego
maybe what you get
if you ever stumble on this.
its just all too much.
this is what is real.
someday somehow, what goes around, comes around.
